Like peeing in the dark.

Would I have changed things had I known the outcome in advance?

I sort of knew. Look at the odds and the facts of the case. I knew it would turn out somewhat like this.

 

 

Would I have liked things to have gone further?

The heart wants what it wants. No matter how the brain tries to lay out the facts of the case, gives in-depth analysis of the outcomes of each foreseeable scenario, the heart will still want what it wants. And in that human endevour, yes, I am indeed guilty of it.

 

 

To what end?

To the end that I foresaw. I am that player in zugzwang who continues to play to the bitter end. As bitter as I know the loss to be, I play ‘til the end.

 

 

But remember that time, you said “go out in glory, not in shame”?

Yes, but this is a different matter. You don’t treat butter the way you do your car.

 

 

What was I expecting of it?

It wasn’t so much what I expected of it. Like I said, I sort of knew it would end up this way. But I fought on. I had hope. And I continue to hope. Each time, when the dagger comes crashing down that same spot, I winch even before it hits skin, but I never fail to fight. For I still have hope. I have hope that perhaps the heart knows what the brain cannot conceive. That someday, the outcome will not be what I painfully predict.

 

Did I achieve what I expected, short-lived as it might have been?

Yes. It kept my hopes up. I know that someday, I will claw my way out of my zugzwang checkboard. Beaten, broken, bruised, someday I will find my way. Had I not gone through this, I wouldn’t have that hope. To feel is human. Even feelings you don’t enjoy. You are human for having them. And so am I.