For tomorrow is just another day

"Dr. Kübler-Ross refined her model to include seven stages of loss. The 7 stages of grief model is a more in-depth analysis of the components of the grief process. These seven stages include shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, and acceptance"

Shock is the time when she held it in her hands and shook as she confronted him. Shock is her response in telling him to leave. Shock is the despair at the sudden quiet after he left. Shock made her pick up the phone and call him. She needed to understand. She needed to let it set that this was real. Not some poorly designed prank. It was real. It was real. As real as the child she held in her arms that night. Alone. Shock kept her up that night. Shock drove her to her listless phonebook. Shock made her let him back in.
**********************************************************
Shock is the realization that it had come undone. She knew. It was out. But she didn't know all of it. He didn't know how much she knew. He begged her to end what angered her. Shock muted his voice. Shock lifted his hands to pack his belongings. Shock brought him out of the house. Shock made him seek companionship. Shock made him stay close. Where else would he go? What did he want? Who did he want? Shock kept that answer at bay from him. Shock made his responses later that night to her curt, and unfeeling. Shock pushed him to sleep and into deep slumber.





Denial is the time they pretended to work things through. Denial brought them to celebrate their time together with their child. Denial was holding hands and sitting in that hall whilst he (halfway) confessed his sins. Denial rendered her mute. Denial made her ask more questions. She knew the answers would give her clarity. And clarity she needed greatly so her decisions were not to be in haste. Clarity she longed for. Clarity would lead her to acceptance. That much she knew. So she pushed through. Question after question she posed, digesting all of it one by one. Often she stopped, seeking clarity. Often she prayed, seeking wisdom and patience whilst she gained clarity. Clarity will bring her to acceptance. That much, she knew.
**************************************************************
Denial is him saying he had confessed and that he deserved her forgiveness. He had, after all, ended all of it. No more, he had said. Denial. No more, he said. Again, he denies. But you cannot close what has not been opened, can you? You can't bury what is still hidden. Yes, you can, he says. Says denial. Denial telling her she had misunderstood all this while. It was nothing. It was meaningless. It was done. Denial made him ask why she had chosen him. Denial allowed him to let her plan out their future. Denial told him it was ok. Denial told him that what is not known will not hurt and will ultimately be forgotten. Denial made him snap at her for bringing up his indiscretion. Denial assured her that he has confessed all. Denial said they were going to work things out. Denial said there was hope for a future together. Denial said "I love you".





Anger was her yelling. Anger was her bringing up years of unhappiness. Anger was screaming foul words, hurling herself to the floor and wailing to the skies. Anger was her telling him off. Thinking of the whole ordeal made her feel anger. Pain. Anger caused pain. And all she felt was either anger or numbness. Anger was silence. Anger was telling him he wasn't doing enough. Anger was the hitting and screaming. When the pain inside was so overwhelming that all she could do was scream. So she did. With all her might.
*************************************************************
Anger was him sitting in silence. Anger was him holding in what he wanted to say, but didn't. Anger was him telling her that he was willing to leave. Anger was him telling her there was no path for them. Anger was him saying that life with her was no longer possible. Anger was shaking and shivering and stuttering out words he later regretted.


Bargaining was them sitting together writing notes and diagrams and lists. Bargaining was them considering what days of future past could possibly hold. They held hands. The made love. They talked about happy days ahead, and also of lonely ones. They talked about supporting one another, they laughed together, ate together, slept together. Bargaining was the whole list of "what if"s and "maybe"s. It was planning for the multiverse of variances unknown. It was searching hither and tither for help. It was barreling high and low finding answers. They both knew the outcome. But they were afraid to say it out loud. It was imminent. It was the only way. They both knew. Maybe it's a little bit of leftover denial peeking in. But they stood united. Thinking they would stay united. But in their hearts, as the park be their witness, they knew.



Depression was her seeing all the horrible deeds in her every step. There wasn't a pot or pan she couldn't connect to the pain. There wasn't a grain of sand that tickled her toes that didn't bring her back to that fated evening when her world collapsed. There wasn't a whiff of his scent that didn't take her to the memories of his better days without her. 
But for him, it was much earlier. He had abandoned her long ago. He had sought out new adventures and conquered new lands long ago. He had tried to call for help, but the help he sought only sunk him out further.


So now, what's left?
testing, and acceptance.

When home is gone (2)

That stairway? It only goes one way. You can choose to go down, but God knows what’s waiting in the darkness. Maybe staying on this rickety platform will be fine. You have no supplies, but maybe the energy from the universe will suffice. Who are you kidding? No one becomes a hero by waiting on a rickety platform. That’s the damsel in distress. Is that what you are?

Write your own story. Stand up, look around. You are not forsaken. Look down, close your eyes. Can you hear anything? Can you smell anything? Pish posh! You sit back down and helplessly make yourself comfortable on the rickety platform again.

Just one more day, you say as you close your eyes. Just one more day.

Today, or tomorrow.

Tomorrow I'll wake up, get myself ready. Shower, prep, get dressed. Look at myself in the mirror.
"Today is the day" I'll say to myself. Take in a deep breath. This is it. Look at myself one more time.
Titles.
What are they, anyway? Adjectives that describe us, but not necessarily define us.
Funny
Happy
Grumpy
Angry
Depressed
Lonely
Teacher
Mother
Wife.

So what if I am no longer one of those. My worth is not defined by those titles, but rather of what my hands will answer of my deeds when the angels come calling.

So I mentally hang up that coat, title splashed across the bosom. Take another deep breath. The Lord is with me. The Lord will protect me. He has and will always provide sustenance for my family. I walk over to the bookshelf and reach over for the blue file. Tuck it into the bag, kiss my baby goodbye.
Open the door, no one stirs.
Just like that late afternoon.
No one stirs.

I close the door.
Sigh.

Walk back to the coat and put it on again.
I look at my reflection with the title splashed against my bosom.

I guess, today is not the day, after all.

When home is gone (1)

There’s a long, dark winding

Stairway with no banister

And it spirals down

Never hits the ground

And your soul feels trapped

In a crusted canister

The lighted path full of thorns and broken glass

Let’s face it: getting your hair straightened hurts. The ironing and pulling hurts. But you do it. Because you believe the reward for it is silky straight hair for the next year or so.

So if you believe that

(1)    Life on earth is short and temporary

(2)    The pain/rewards we receive in this earth life is nothing compared to the hereafter

Then you will see that the pain is worth it. If it brings you closer to eternal bliss (or at least tranquility) then let the pain pour on.

I am not afraid.

For I have faith in His love and grace.

If that day should come

To dearest close family and friends,
We have something we would like to share.
First off, it feels out of place to be sharing such news, but it is a consequence of a choice we have made. So, we want to share the truth so that we will not be victims of slander.

We have made the decision to separate, and are no longer husband and wife. We are, and always will be, devoted to our role as co-parents to our dear son.

We have gone through a magical journey together, which has now changed its form. Our beautiful adventure will be on different paths. Please pray that our lives in the days forward will be blessed with His grace and mercy. We ask for your understanding and support in this time, and provide us the space to heal and subsequently thrive. Due to the nature of this process, we may choose to be unreachable and ask for your understanding and respect. We thank you all in advance for respecting our family's privacy in this time.
Sending lots of love to everyone.

Mom's coming for you

Forgive them, for they know not.

Teach them, love them, and be close to them.

Show the best example that you can.

Let them see the beauty in the guided way of life.

Let them see it through you.

And if He has blinded their eyes, then pray for them

Pray for His mercy towards them.

Pray for His mercy in your failure to guide them.

You are strong. You are the chosen one.

Living a life looking for that one soul

Here – the Lord has gifted you with many.

Will you turn your cheek when He has gifted you

With the greatest of trials and tribulations

With a fight you know will give you that chance of heaven.

Forgive them, for they are lost.

Give them maps, directions, markings on the earth.

But do not allow yourself to give up.

Do you not see this great gift being thrust upon you?

Do you not see that without this pain,

The change would not have started.

The Lord loves you, therefore find it in you to love them.

All of them.

When you feel weak, pray to Him.

For He has the power to change their hearts.

Believe in His grace.

Believe in His wisdom.

Believe that He will not test you beyond what is capable of you.

He wants you to return.

Return.

Come back to the lighted path full of thorns and rubble.

See the beauty in each painful step.

He wants you in His garden.

Perhaps you’ll see those little feet running up to you.

Perhaps.

In the name of the Lord, most beneficent, most merciful.

Let the first step begin.

Shine the light

Living a life looking for your crusade. That one battle that brings you to Heaven. You imagine swords clashing, blood spewing, screams and cries of pain off in the distance. What you don’t imagine is sipping that glass of OJ and fighting inner demons you never thought existed. Or maybe you did, you just never bothered fighting them.

That never was

The silence is deafening
Not a single word left
Each one
You've taken and hawked
For the value of nothing
For the wanting of nothing
For it never was

Harvested as you please
Left for dead when I don't appease
And there, tragically I stand
Waiting in the cold winds

For the price of being nothing
For the time of being with no one
For the moments of being unwanted
Never missed
Never yearned for
Always

Demolish the strength of my core
Shattered, crushed, broken, and torn
I thank you for this lesson
Of a non existent love
That never was

So listen to my cries
Pure of lies
That all you are
Is what never was
That never was

There will be nothing
To resurrect your existence
For the love that never was
Flies away no matter my endeavor

So I will not plead you to stay
Nor will I beg for a second thought
Nor will I force a new promise

No longer shall I offer my body
For my heart is rotten
But I am still standing
Unwavering
And for you I shall not bleed