Two steps forward, one step back.

It doesn't feel like it, but a lot has happened this year. I've accomplished a lot, gone through a lot, and experienced a lot.

I finally finished my studies.

I got a job.

Moved house.

Lost my job.

Went into a depressive state of unemployment.

Got another job.

Fell in love with my job.

Fell out of love with someone else.

Broke up.

Cried, suffered, felt like my world was turning upside down.

Got a job transfer.

Fell out of love with my job.

Cried, suffered, threw tantrums and wanted to throw in the towel.

Made friends.

Fell in love with my job again.

Said another goodbye.

Fell into another depression.

Went home for the holidays.

I guess all in all, this was a good and satisfying year. I’ve become a version of me that I like very much. My stresses are positive ones that push me to become a better person. I don’t feel the need to put others down in order to bring myself higher. I can give (little as it may be) back to my parents and hopefully because of that they can live a more comfortable life. I think that if little me saw what I have become, she would be very proud and look forward to becoming what I am.

When I was younger, I always had this one vision of my future. I don’t know why, but there was always this magical thing I felt about the age of 25. In my far away dreams, I would be impeccably dressed in a crisp sharp suit, decked with flawless makeup, hair in a tight French bun, and I would come home late at night, place my keys on the kitchen island, and open the fridge door. Inside, there would be a bottle of water, a half-eaten sandwich, and……that’s it. Close the fridge door, walk upstairs to a beautifully furnished master bedroom that I occupy all to myself, take a long bath and slip under the duvet…(yes, I would have a duvet), turn on the tv or read a book until I feel sleepy.

Anything missing?

Well, I don’t ever recall when I was growing up, to have the white picket fences and doting husband and seven children in my dreams. And being an only child, I had a lot of those. In some I would become a famous singer, in some I would become an animal activist, or a superhero, or a cold-hearted business woman. No white picket fences, no ankle-biters.

I guess subconsciously I “made sure” that part came true. Now all alone and with not much prospect of meeting someone new, I feel like I’m back at the drawing board. I have other dreams, and perhaps this is His way of showing me that I can make them come true. Just because I can’t make a typical you’ve-got-a-job-now-it’s-time-to-think-about-settling-down-and-getting-married future for myself doesn’t make me a failure. It just makes me different. And different people can make different happiness for themselves. Who says that the only path to happiness is by settling down? Why would they call it “settling down” if it meant eternal happiness?

There isn’t such thing as “eternal bliss”. You make your own happiness. The fairy tales tell you that after they got married they “lived happily ever after”, but anyone who’s been through it knows better. There are good days, bad days, and for some, even intolerable days. My quest is just the same as other people’s, it’s just on a different path. In fact, it’s not even different. It’s just a cultural thing…

I love who I am in 2012, and I hope 2013 will not change my mind =)

Long time no rant...

Airports have all these rules. Rules for everything…I mean, nowadays they even limit the amount of shampoo you get to bring on the flights. Shampoo!! …..and not only are they limited to a certain amount, but also they tell you that you have to put it into plastic bags and then those plastic bags go into your luggage. Oh what a joy!! So you go out looking for small bottles to tediously drip your shampoo in and God forbid you buy one of those pathetic askew bottles that don’t close properly and I’m guessing that’s why they make you put those bottles into plastic bags but then sometimes God has a sense of humor and you end up using a bag that leaks or sometimes the shampoo turns evil and finds a way to seep through the plastic and then since it’s in there with your clothes it starts sticking to your clothes and you arrive in Hawaii oh beautiful glorious Hawaii and unpack your suitcase and there it is…sticky clothes!!! And you say to yourself as you stare at your sticky clothes… “What a wonderful holiday”

I couldn’t.

No one could ever accuse me of not being able to talk. I doubt anyone would ever describe me as quiet…but that doesn’t mean I say everything. Tonight I realized that for all my chatter and banter, there are just some things I couldn’t bring myself to say. Tonight they came and I stared at them and as much as I wanted to tell them that each of them meant the world to me, all I could come up with was “Let’s watch a movie.” And as we sat there in silence munching on the popcorn and eyes fixated on the small screen, I turned my gaze to each of them and wondered if this was the last time I would be able to call them my babies. My terrible, terrible babies; whom I love and cherish for being the light of my life.

In my ups and downs I glanced at him and his tribe and saw how fixated they were….on him. And now I wonder should I really hang on to them if at my best, all I can offer them is a movie and some popcorn…perhaps I should motion to let go. I can’t beat him ever. He has them entranced and worst still I know that if I were there I would be together with them caught in his beautifully crafted spews. What he can achieve with them is something I probably cannot hope to do. Where do I go from here? Do I give up and leave or do I stay and hope to learn? Hope to someday evolve and become something nearly as great.

of still waters and raging seas

In the waters Sir Rant-A-Lot stands reminiscing of his days to come. The Crusades are gone, the invaders no longer jostle the heart of Sir Rant-A-Lot, and the grass is just as green. Yet here stands Sir Rant-A-Lot in these still waters. How the many moons have graced Sir Rant-A-Lot’s nights, how many clinks have made their way in and out of Sir Rant-A-Lot’s satchel, how many critters have sung the songs of the glee. Perhaps it is the still water that carries away Sir Rant-A-Lot’s spirit and joy?

There is grace, there is joy, there is enough of all that that Sir Rant-A-Lot has ever needed. Is he a fool for wanting to walk away from a dream come true? Or is he a greater fool to stay in the still waters when he is courageous enough to face the stormy seas?

In the valley of the green, there are hurdles at every turn. There are lions and demons waiting at every corner, and in no manner shall Sir Rant-A-Lot be assured that his head shall remain intact at the end of the day. Oh woe is Sir Rant-A-Lot who has the growlings of an empty crevice shrieking in pain….

Of Conundrums and Cross Roads

There are always the “correct” ways of solving everything. They tell you that you should:

ü  do well in school

ü  get good grades

ü  get into a respectable university

ü  get a decent job

ü  get a car, maybe even a house

ü  get married

ü  have children

They clearly say this is the path of happiness. For a very long eternity I believed them. I trusted them for how could they be wrong?

Pause.

Who is this “they” again?

Why do they get to dictate what makes me happy? Is happiness the same for everyone? For them to say that my life is nothing but an empty shell if I choose to never get married.. for them to declare I can’t possibly have a good life with the job that I have now. Why do they get to choose when and how I will be happy?

When I was a child they promised that they made decisions for me because they were the adults and that they knew what was best. Can’t you see that I am an adult now, too? Why do you still think you still have a right over my happiness?

Look at me!! Each day I smile. A genuine, heart-felt smile. Each day. Most days I even let out a nice belly laugh. Not the kind I put up for show because it was what was “polite” to do, but real, pure, laughter. I am thankful for all that He has given me. I work hard to make a life for myself and someday for the ones I love. What else am I doing wrong?

Yo no soy un ingrata-muerta

As the green meadows grace Sir Rant-A-Lot with songs of the wild, he ponders whether it is but the potion of a witch intoxicating him into a curse of the Green Ogre. Though he is at peace and joy, he cannot help but wonder to what end lies his journey. Where he sees the pixie no longer sings, the leprechaun merely broods upon his pot without a genuine smile gracing his face, the caveman retires to his dwelling far away from Sir Rant-A-Lot; it cannot be a surprise that Sir Rant-A-Lot starts to feel used. A tool of the trade. Yet, he cannot deny his great affections to the dandelions dancing in the sun. How shall he continue his conquest? Will Sir Rant-A-Lot summon his steed and be on his way?

Here in the green meadows Sir Rant-A-Lot finds kindness, friendship, and solace. Is he thus ungrateful to be pondering such thoughts?

Proof of a weakness is a greater weakness

I know who I am. I know that I am a good person, and that I try each and every single day to become a better person than I was yesterday. I know that I am dependable; that I am capable of taking the weight of the world off of your shoulders onto mine. I know I am stubborn; so stubborn that I refuse to admit that there are times when I am the one who needs a shoulder to cry on. I know that I get flustered easily, that I need an order to everything and everything to that order in order for me to function. I know that sometimes, all of this is a lie.

There are times when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back at me. I have to pretend and dress up as another just so that the reflection I see is one that I can accept. She is the one who is weak. The one who cries herself to sleep at night because of her useless thoughts. She is the one who is feeble. She is weak. She is the one to whom the world shuns and screams “You will never be good enough!”

There are times when the many voices in my head tell me a thousand different things and I struggled to understand even one. They tell me of the many evils of the world, of the countless good I have not done, of the feelings I pushed away, of the people I have wronged and the people who I have done wring by doing right. Sometimes the only way to shut them out is to drown them with my own screams and tears. Yet I never cry. I never cry.

I wonder if after all this, do I really know who I am? Or am I a confused imp floating the space that I call my world in hopes of achieving something; and yet understanding nothing. It is said that the more you learn, the more you come to the realization of things you don’t know. And I indeed, do not know much.

-         - Rantings of the non-delusional-

Of Little Girls and Their Superheroes.

It took me a while to accept that my father wasn’t invincible. He’s not perfect, he’s not flawless, and there are times when I couldn’t depend on him.

It took me a while to accept my significant other isn’t invincible. Isn’t as solid as I thought, isn’t as strong, and can never be my ultimate protector like I’d hoped.

Today I realized another “invincible he” isn’t invincible after all.

I don’t know why there’s a need for that. I’m not perfect. I know I’m not; and despite what I feel, I know there’s no purpose or need to be. So why did it take me so long to accept each time I realized that these men aren’t as invincible as I’d hoped? Why is there a need for them to be invincible?

I’d known that there are times that they needed me, and that’s different. It’s different. Being invincible meant to me that they could do no wrong, and that whatever help they needed from me wasn’t because of a flaw in themselves; it had to be a flaw of the world.

It’s not fair. It’s not fair to them to have to live up to these expectations of them. But if I didn’t have them, my “invincibles”, how do I keep up the strength I need to be the person I am expected to be? People think I’m reliable, that they don’t need to worry about me, that I will be OK no matter what happens. That whatever tantrums I throw is temporary and will soon shush itself. How I wish to be scared, to show these people that I too break down and cry. But I don’t have the option of having a shoulder to cry on. How I wish to show that I am not OK. That there are times when I need them to look at me and say it’s safe to not be OK.

Even the strongest rock needs a place to rest.

.....moons have past, and Sir-Rant-A-Lot has been the evil-doer of neglect. He has neglected to put his thoughts to paper. ......or has he?

A fast zip forward, after the unsent letter remained unsent, Sir-Rant-A-Lot was ecstatic at the sniff of life out of the mortuary. Little did he know that his search was not yet at its end; and neither did he know that his search would end at a beautiful beginning.

Setting all reservations aside, Sir-Rant-A-Lot plowed forward and said a hello to the green. Oh what a wonderful surprise when the green hello-ed back!! How Sir-Rant-A-Lot squeaked and danced in his wretched abode, and set out for a well-deserved celebration.

So now, Sir-Rant-A-Lot has joined the Land of the Green where the elves sing with the leprechauns and ponies are of no joke. He has been at his glory, he has been at his defeat. But here, where magic is for once not a ridiculed imagination, Sir-Rant-A-Lot finds acceptance, contentment, and a pull towards greatness. Here where the Caveman sets ear upon the Valleys, the Pixie dusts her healing powers, and all the other magical creatures live together in harmony, Sir-Rant-A-Lot smiles and smiles again......

The unsent letter

Dear Mom,

Do you remember that day you, dad & brother came for lunch? Well, it turns out that was my last day there. I don't know exactly what happened but I got an email from the boss telling me that he didn't need my services anymore and that I didn't have to come on Monday.

You would think I would be crying out "Why God....Why????"
But I didn't.

In fact, I didn't even care. I hated that job; no wait...I hated the environment. It was like being in a mortuary. I would think, that if I worked at a mortuary, at least the dead bodies would give me the heebie jeebies. I felt so dead, like the world was moving forwards and there I was stuck in a dry office with only two other occupants. Terrible.

So I just thanked my (former) boss and asked how and when I could collect my pay.

But I think it was for the best. Because he fired me, I started my job search again, which I had halted cuz I felt so drained each day coming back from THAT office..
So today I went for an interview for a company that I really2 like...one that I really2 hope will accept me and that the job will be more suitable for me. Plus, the pay is a teensy bit higher.

Wish me luck!!


Sincerely,
Daughter.

He who speaks of banana, shall be yellow.

Another hard day at the battlefield for Sir Rant-A-Lot. The Third and Fourth episodes came back-to-back!! How did Sir Rant-A-Lot fend off the ghastly fiends? Let us all find out.

Episode 3: The Battle of the Banana Lord.

Oh how at the moment Sir Rant-A-Lot faces the Battle of the Banana Lord, he wishes he had not let the Green Ogre dust his sorcery upon Sir Rant-A-Lot’s eyes during training..the battle proves indeed beyond what Sir Rant-A-Lot had prepared for. As Sir Rant-A-Lot tosses and turns his mighty sword at the attacker, he ponders if he could have gone back and changed time. Would the present be different? Sir Rant-A-Lot racks his brain thinking back to the many ill reruns the Banana Lord conjured during training. Painfully trudging on, Sir Rant-A-Lot pours out all he can with what little strength he has. Goodbye, I hope to never see you again.

As Sir Rant-A-Lot finishes his last sentiments towards the Banana Lord, he ponders upon Pancake. Ah, could there be more bliss than the love of two souls?

Suddenly…

Sir Rant-A-Lot is awakened by the cry of Wafer Crunch!! Wafer Crunch wails of the rampage set about by Stinky Peep. How dare Stinky Peep leave carcass in the land of the Queen? Sir Rant-A-Lot furiously returns to his palace and demands Wafer Crunch to explain the happenings. Wafer Crunch stares speechlessly as Sir Rant-A-Lot flings the filth of Stinky Peep into the stench she calls a dwelling. Wafer Crunch wails as she is to take over that dark kingdom someday and begs Sir Rant-A-Lot to show mercy to Stinky Peep. Thus, Sir Rant-A-Lot obliges and lets Wafer Crunch take care of the gore left in Stinky Peep’s dwellings.

Sir Rant-A-Lot needs his strength, for the next battle is but a mere few hours away..we shall meet again in Episode 4.

Oh My Love, My Darling...My Angel....

Hello my doves, today was a successful day.

So let us continue the tale of Sir Rant-A-Lot’s despair..

Episode 2: The Green Ogre, Potato People and Frolicking

So Sir Rant-A-Lot’s heart is racing, he eats with no feeling, mind in a daze. He must find a council member quick!! He must discuss what has happened. So he rushes his carriage towards the House of Children. It is during this gruelling journey that an epiphany hits Sir Rant-A-Lot. He shall NOT accept the offer from the Plump Ice Chewer. Heart set and mind almost at ease, Sir Rant-A-Lot races to the House of Children and finds Flyaway at the Council table! Oh glee is the heart of Sir Rant-A-Lot. So Sir Rant-A-Lot pours out the story of the two and says Flyaway “Thou shall taketh the path of least resistance in essence of thou intention to leave”. And with that, Sir Rant-A-Lot is at peace.

Yet the battle with the second episode of the war sees Sir Rant-A-Lot ill, with the attack suffered from the Potato People bringing down Sir Rant-A-Lot. Yet the brave Sir Rant-A-Lot fights on, and can only pray that he has given the best that he could have given and that those with the Power Imposed Upon Them show Sir Rant-A-Lot mercy and benevolence.

After a long deserved slumber, Sir Rant-A-Lot looks forward to a day with dearly beloved Pancake. He engages his best suit and takes a peek at his reflection. Not bad, Sir Rant-A-Lot must say. As Pancake arrives, they strut off to a day of love and fun in the sun.

Sir Rant-A-Lot has gotten his loot and now seeks his bounty. He has given his carriage a long deserved bath but alas, nature already had a bath in store. But never mind, Sir Rant-A-Lot does not mind as the Earth has not had much to drink from Mother Nature in quite a while. So he shall not whine; only smile.

Might the mighty sharp eye spy on the last voyage, the mistake Sir Rant-A-Lot has committed? Aahh, as intelligible as Sir Rant-A-Lot may be, he too, makes mistakes. It is not Buttered Toast who sits at the Council, it is Pancake! A sign, one might say? Oh no, Sir Rant-A-Lot is confident it is not.

As of today, Pancake and Sir Rant-A-Lot has taken turns to frolic in the meadows of companionship. Pancake on the trusty Steed and Sir Rant-A-Lot on the carriage. The dined with the finest, gallivanted around town sticking parchments on posts and gotten Sir Rant-A-Lot’s loot. Indeed, a fruitful day.

Tomorrow, Sir Rant-A-Lot continues with the battle for the third instalment of our endeavour…

So many things, so little time.

Sir Rant-A-Lot has been called upon in the 6 episode battalion that shall determine whether he wins the War of Figures. Though Sir Rant-A-Lot is in knowledge of the importance of each episode, he cannot forage the strength needed to fight the battles. he tries to train, preparing his swords and shield for each battle. Yet somehow, the green ogre slips into the crevices of Sir Rant-A-Lot's mind and sprinkles sleeping powder and

POOOOFFFF!!!

Sir Rant-A-Lot falls asleep yet again.

With a new empire to conquer, it is of the question of time whether Sir Rant-A-Lot will manage to seek his new kingdom whilst juggling his new duties as the Keeper of the Beep. To those who have not been blessed to live in a life that includes Sir Rant-A-Lot, here is a brief recap:

Sir Rant-A-Lot gets a call to demonstrate his powers of Persuasion and meets Ol Yee of the Trust.

Ol Yee of the Trust declares Sir Rant-A-Lot shall commence as the Keeper of the Beep, yet Sir Rant-A-Lot asks to return and slumber upon the thought. Also to consult the Council Members. Ah, Sir Rant-A-Lot is thankful that the Council Members (Buttered Toast, Smiley Walk and Flyaway) agree. Yet Sir Rant-A-Lot holds back, not yet sending the pigeon of news to Ol Yee of the Trust.

Sir Rant-A-Lot faces the first episode of the War.

Episode 1: The Battle of the Bladder, Green Ogre & Potato People.

Alas for Sir Rant-A-Lot, in his fight against the three, only of the Bladder can be won. And so he does. Yahahahahaha Sir Rant-A-Lot is indeed great. Yet the true battle, is the one fought without the swords and shields. It is the one of the mind and the pen. As Sir Rant-A-Lot stares blankly at the parchment lain in front of him, he wishes vehemently that he has trained harder, pushed himself further, and fought harder in the battle against the green ogre. Though Sir Rant-A-Lot had sufficient to say, he fears that it would not suffice to give him the boost he so desires.

As fate would have it, at the moo of the cow that signifies the end of round 1, Sir Rant-A-Lot takes a peek at the magic teller. AH!! another calling!! This time by the foreknown Plump Ice Chewer whom Sir Rant-A-Lot has afor vowed never to serve again. Sir Rant-A-Lot ponders, heart racing, if he should shun his own feelings and return to the Land of the Chasers. This is a call for a Council meeting!!

what happens next?? we shall see my doves, we shall see...tune in to the next episode my invisible doves!!