It doesn't feel like it, but a lot has happened this year. I've accomplished a lot, gone through a lot, and experienced a lot.
I finally finished my studies.
I got a job.
Moved house.
Lost my job.
Went into a depressive state of unemployment.
Got another job.
Fell in love with my job.
Fell out of love with someone else.
Broke up.
Cried, suffered, felt like my world was turning upside down.
Got a job transfer.
Fell out of love with my job.
Cried, suffered, threw tantrums and wanted to throw in the
towel.
Made friends.
Fell in love with my job again.
Said another goodbye.
Fell into another depression.
Went home for the holidays.
I guess all in all, this was a good and satisfying year. I’ve
become a version of me that I like very much. My stresses are positive ones
that push me to become a better person. I don’t feel the need to put others
down in order to bring myself higher. I can give (little as it may be) back to
my parents and hopefully because of that they can live a more comfortable life.
I think that if little me saw what I have become, she would be very proud and look
forward to becoming what I am.
When I was younger, I always had this one vision of my
future. I don’t know why, but there was always this magical thing I felt about
the age of 25. In my far away dreams, I would be impeccably dressed in a crisp
sharp suit, decked with flawless makeup, hair in a tight French bun, and I
would come home late at night, place my keys on the kitchen island, and open
the fridge door. Inside, there would be a bottle of water, a half-eaten
sandwich, and……that’s it. Close the fridge door, walk upstairs to a beautifully
furnished master bedroom that I occupy all to myself, take a long bath and slip
under the duvet…(yes, I would have a duvet), turn on the tv or read a book
until I feel sleepy.
Anything missing?
Well, I don’t ever recall when I was growing up, to have the
white picket fences and doting husband and seven children in my dreams. And
being an only child, I had a lot of those. In some I would become a famous
singer, in some I would become an animal activist, or a superhero, or a
cold-hearted business woman. No white picket fences, no ankle-biters.
I guess subconsciously I “made sure” that part came true.
Now all alone and with not much prospect of meeting someone new, I feel like I’m
back at the drawing board. I have other dreams, and perhaps this is His way of
showing me that I can make them come true. Just because I can’t make a typical
you’ve-got-a-job-now-it’s-time-to-think-about-settling-down-and-getting-married
future for myself doesn’t make me a failure. It just makes me different. And
different people can make different happiness for themselves. Who says that the
only path to happiness is by settling down? Why would they call it “settling
down” if it meant eternal happiness?
There isn’t such thing as “eternal bliss”. You make your own
happiness. The fairy tales tell you that after they got married they “lived
happily ever after”, but anyone who’s been through it knows better. There are
good days, bad days, and for some, even intolerable days. My quest is just the
same as other people’s, it’s just on a different path. In fact, it’s not even
different. It’s just a cultural thing…
I love who I am in 2012, and I hope 2013 will not change my
mind =)
