Now, don't just walk away.

A little over a year ago, I found myself in turmoil. It was necessary. I had (I think most of us have) lived a life designed by others, and found myself in need of a re-calibration. I had never before thought of what it was I wanted. I realised that too much of what I was working towards was a result of what I was conditioned into wanting. I had to break free. Are they all bad? The things they conditioned me into? Not all. Some of it I found I even agreed to. In time.

That’s the thing. So much of these goals they had set were so attainable, it crushed me when I didn’t get there. At some point, I asked of that was all life was..these dull, attainable goals. Ad sadly, I was told ‘yes’. And blank stares ensued as I refused to accept it.

I had to re- assess my life. Did I have dreams? I was surprised to find that I did. I know they had been with me for a long time. But like many others, I kept them silent in a dusty box out of the common path that I threw myself into. No one understood how unhappy I was. So much anger. So much unrest. I felt unfulfilled.

I am lucky that I was willing to put myself through the pain. I look back at my scars and I find comfort in knowing that those scars are mine. I earned them. Greater than any trophy. I now know I have no thirst for trophies. But I love the preparations to war. I love the battle itself. And yes, I have found wars on which the winner isn’t declared. You rest, check your wounds, and decide whether you want to keep fighting. You decide whether there are still tactics to pick up, strategies you haven’t learnt. If there are no more then you pick up what mental weapons you have and you move on to your next battle.

This is life. I don’t care if I don’t win at it. But I do care of what I have made of myself. I do care of the person that I have become, or will become. Today’s choices should make me a better person tomorrow. But not so I can earn bragging rights. Rather, so that when my time is up I can say that I am ready. That I have not wasted the time Lord has granted me on his earth.

Have my priorities changed? Well, the essence of them haven’t. I wanted to determine for myself what I wanted to make of myself. I have pretty much done so. Now the greater challenge is making it happen. Over the course of the year I’ve found myself re-calibrating time and again. That is fine.

Truth is, I feel overwhelmed. I am voicing out and working towards something I fear. How do you choose to achieve something that makes you cower in fear? I am terrified. Of what, exactly? If I can find the answer to that then I can figure out if this is a battlefield I should be on. Is it the permanence? Is it the implications I am making? Is it physical or emotional?

How do I tell you that I love you when I know I am set up for hurt. Always, I am set up for hurt. How do I choose to fight when the fight will not award me a battle scar I can carry with pride? How do I show you my demons without them destroying us. But then, “he whose demons pacifies mine, who silences my evil, and serenades my unrest”.

No, it won't.

There is always a first time. You will always remain a gift to me. A blessing. I treasure you for the lessons I have learnt from you, and the lessons I continue to learn because of you. Look at me now. Walking on a path I never thought I would. Just a few months ago if you had told me I would be doing this I would say "That's because you don't know me." Yet here I am. I walked the path. God has blessed me with the people I need to make this happen. Will it? That is another question up to the will of God. I will walk the steps. If He wills it, it will come true. If not, he will send difficulties to show me. I trust in Him. And I trust in my ability to think things through.

Don't ask me to define what I feel for you. I don't know. But I know they are good feelings. Feelings I wish to keep. For you. Yes, you matter to me. There is no denying that. I would make sacrifices for you. And that, is not a privilege I grant to many.

Perhaps dreams do come true.

Maybe it's not forever, but what remains can be. He has given the possibility. Taught me what I did not know. Showed me the world, so to speak. People are lessons. So much I have learnt from this one. Even if it is not forever, the lessons definitely are. For that, I should be truly grateful.

People are brought into our lives when we need them. Sometimes they exit for that very reason as well. For now, I have my lessons to learn. I sure feel like an adult now. She knows what a big step this is for me; to even be speaking of it, even if it may not come true. Can I afford this? What will I have to sacrifice? Surely there are sacrifices to be made. Are they sacrifices that I can afford?

So many questions. So much uncertainty. What is sure, is that I have the people at my disposal who can help me through. No, I am not alone. I can do this. Though I am not yet sure what "this" is, I know I can.

I wish it were that simple. I had a glimpse of what could have been, and I shuddered at it. What I had wanted. It was what I had wanted, but not granted. Lord knows best.

For once, I see how He has protected me. I remember what I had mistakenly thought. A series of unfortunate events that aren't unfortunate after all. They were blessings.

How do I pull through this one? It will take time. Isn't it bizarre how the tables have turned and I see things from the other side. Where I am no longer chasing shadows, or illusions. Here is reality. Filthy, pungent, vile. Reality.

There's no sugar coating it.

How do I describe loathing something so much it attracts me? But then, aren't humans naturally attracted to what they despise? They hover over it, careful not to touch, but sure enough they do come menacingly near.

Father, protect me. No, he cannot. Salvage the remnants of the good in me. Father, please.

None of this makes sense. But has it ever? will it ever?

No, Sister. You are right. We do not choose. Yet what we do, we do indeed choose. That trigger feels light in my hand. Just a little pull. Just a little.

Do I want it to end?

Is it intrigue?

Ego?

A challenge.

Infatuation.


There is much to learn here. But this lesson will be particularly painful. The best ones always are.

Father, protect me.


Maybe I should surrender. That is indeed the easy path. Body is willing but the heart hesitates. That's new. The heart hesitates. The mind is alive and boggling. But the heart hesitates.

No, it is not mine.

Fight.


Of course I will, but for what?

What am I fighting for?

Father, salvage me.

Horrid. She tainted me with her evils and left me for dead. Now I lie here, broken. Abandoned. Discourage cannot begin to describe the hurt and pain I feel.


She. She is vile. Putrid. Pungent. Disgusting. There is no salvation for her. Not after all the pain she put me through. For what? For her own selfish needs. I was too pure. I didn't understand  her pain, so she gave me hurt. She gave me pain. She gave me angst. She. She drove me to this state of filth. All the pain that I am, is because of her. She wanted me to feel her pain. Now that I do, she deserts me.


How do I answer for what I have done?

Or, how do I manage what I do next?



Decisions, decisions....


That heart that hesitates patiently waits. Tis only a matter of time. A time already set.




This will not end soon. She will not enjoy it.

She pacifies my demons, calms my evil, and serenades my unrest.

we have come full circle.

The purpose is to learn. For me, beyond the learning there is the teaching. If I am no longer capable of learning then I am no longer worthy of teaching. There is nothing to impart. The learning process can be tough. It should be.

When your thirst for learning is as great as your need to breathe, then and only then, will greatness be achieved.

But the learning process can be tough.

Am I still capable of it? Yes. I am.

Here I am presented with proof of how little progression I have made in those terms. What can I make of it, but to move past and ensure that the lesson is indeed learnt. It pains me. I feel like it has weakened me. But remember, in that weakness, in that moment of gasping for air, I now find a renewed sense of determination. I can allow these petty bruises cripple me, or I can carry them with honour.

There was thrill in the ride, indeed there was.

Unfortunately, there’s not much of an opportunity for me to hop off this time.

I feel that gasping again. Suffocating. Vision impaired. Senses heightened. Panic setting in.

Help me, for I am weak.

Give me sustenance, provide me shelter, grace me comfort.

I can’t allow this cycle to control me. Yet it is.

Distract me.

Take me away.

Let me not astray.

 

 

 

If only, if only, the woodpecker sighs.

The effects of soma (Part 2)

 

Brendan didn’t know what to make out of the situation. Here he was, on a deserted island. With Julia. She was intriguing, he couldn’t deny. But she was no Sabrina. Julia had a tendency to overthink. She thought. Of. Everything. All. The. Time.

Brendan watched as she scurried around the hotel, or at least the parts that was visible. He noticed she was careful to always be in his line of sight. She didn’t like to be alone, despite how she mostly functioned on her own. Bizarre creature, he thought.

Brendan had not thought things through when he asked Julia on this trip. She wasn’t his type. Neither on character nor in physique. But there was something about Julia. He hadn’t made up his mind if he would have her before they embarked on their trip. And now, given these incredulous turn of events, he couldn’t make up his mind even further. Yet it was on his mind.

She loved to stare at him. Not just stare at him, she stared into him. It was like she saw things he didn’t know he had within him. He could never make up his mind. Was that how she flirted? Julia was far too… he couldn’t find a word for how she was with him. How she just sat in silence sometimes. How she would walk up to him, stare into him for a few brief seconds, which felt like eternity, and walk away.

Occasionally he would venture in and ask for an explanation, but her response more often than not raised more questions, and made your head spin. She had too many thoughts. Like seven different people’s lives had crammed themselves into that small body of hers and she is living a life for all seven of them. None of those seven had similar personalities, lived similar lives, or shared same ideas. All bundled up into that small frame of hers.

Brendan looked on as she clambered up a cabinet checking the supplies. He usually went for taller, bigger girls. Darker ones, too. Julia had none of those traits. And yet here he was watching her scamper like a little bunny up and down. Fascinating, he thought. He was still making up his mind so as to if he would have her. Opportunity is present, he thought. But would she want to? Brendan was stumped. With the other girls he always knew. All he had to do was show a little concern, shower a little bit of attention, and he knew which girls he could have. It was always easy enough.

But this was Julia. She didn’t seem to play on the same grounds. She was logical, practical, ethical, and she thought of everything. Could she have thought of being with him? He remembered how she lingered close to him, close enough for him to lean in for a kiss, but for some reason that day, he didn’t. He remembered how she spoke into his ear. He had felt a familiar buzzing as she nuzzled in to find his ear, but all she had to say was about possibilities. Had she no lust?

She was undressing. Her clothes were wet from the rain, and she had found bathrobes.

“I also found washing machines and dryers. We’ll have clean clothes soon enough” she said, almost triumphantly. She noticed he was staring at her as she undressed, right in front of him. “I’m sorry, but after being ditched by our motorboat guy I’m suffering a bout of abandonment issues. I don’t mean to give you nightmares, but I’m too scared to be out of your sight.” She said, matter-of-factly. He couldn’t make head or tail of things. He tried to think of Sabrina instead. It didn’t work.

She turned away as she peeled off pieces of wet clothing.

“I want to shower, but I won’t close the door, ok? I need you to keep talking to me so I know you’re still there. Will you do that?” she was staring into him again. Her arms were folded across her belly, holding the bathrobe around her. Hair in a tussled mess around her face. Lips pursed, eyes wide. Looking into him. He was stunned again. All he could do was to nod. She stepped back a few paces. He looked after her. He didn’t know what to make of it.

She stepped into the shower, and he couldn’t see her anymore, even with the door open. If this was any other girl he would have undressed himself and walked in, sans invitation. But this was Julia. How does one make anything of her? You could read her like a book, and yet you couldn’t at all. She was pretty, no denying that. But she had a way of pulling you in, yet keeping you away at the same time. She knew that. She had mentioned it to him once. She does it on purpose. “It hurts less to push people away then have them push you away” she had explained.

“Brendan?” her voice came from the shower.

“Yes?”

“You’ll keep me safe, right?”

“Of course, Julia”

“I’m trusting you, Brendan. Please don’t break my trust.”

Suddenly she was in front of him. Looking into him again. This time she had a towel on her head, wrapping her hair. The scent of shampoo emanating from her. Her robe securely tied around her waist. She knelt in front of him. She was almost pleading. She was pleading. Hand folded over the other, placed gently on his knee. She was staring up at him as she made him promise not to harm her, and to keep her from harm. He didn’t know if he could keep his promise, but he couldn’t say no. Not to those pleading eyes, to that voice.

Brendan broke away from her gaze, and let his eyes wander down, but she was careful to fold the robe up high. And she was far too slight that the robe concealed anything worth ogling over. Instead Brendan moved his gaze to her neck. He pictured himself leaning in to her neck, but this was Julia. Things were not going to be easy.

The effects of soma.

 

 

 

The torrential rain beat down heavily on the tiny motorboat.  There was not much they could do; two tourists depending on the sea-skills of whom the motorboat was owned by. Julia closed her eyes, trying to remain calm. Once in a while, she caught herself reciting chants to still her worrying heart. Brendan was good at keeping calm. Julia never knew what he was feeling just by looking at his face. That irritated her about him; yet it also kept bringing her back to him. She snuck a little closer to catch a whiff of his scent. She loved his scent. Perhaps that was what kept her so drawn to him.

“we are nearing an island!” shouted the sailor.

“there is a closed down hotel there. There will be shelter and supplies”

 

For a moment Julia felt relief. They were getting off the motorboat, away from the rough uncertain seas and even more unpredictable rains. Julia hated uncertainty. It was uncivilized, she thought. Like the days humans were viviparous. She shuddered at her thoughts. It was then that she realized what stopping at the island meant. It meant they wouldn’t go back to the main land. Not yet, at least. It meant she wasn’t going to the hotel she had booked for herself and Brendan. It meant they were no longer going as planned. Again, Julia shuddered and closed her eyes.

“the hotel was closed a few weeks back. Not many tourists this time of year.”

“is there anyone on the island?” Julia almost didn’t dare to hear the answer.

“no. There was the hotel, and nothing else. Save for what is of nature, that is”

 

Julia’s backpack was drenched. It was all she could hope that the lining inside kept her belongings dry. She wanted to change to dry clothes, and curl up in Brendan’s warmth. Again she tried to catch hold of his scent. She couldn’t, and that made her panic just a tiny bit more.

 

“when we arrive, the hotel is right up the beach. You’ll see it. The lights and water should work just fine. We’ll have to check how much food they have left there.”

Brendan was oddly quiet. Julia wanted to slip her hand into his, but she didn’t feel welcome. Oh how she wished they were back on the city, talking for hours as others had warned them not to. “it is unnatural” they said. “everyone belong to everybody.” “this ‘connection’ you are thinking of does not exist. You enjoy each other and that is it.” Julia knew they were wrong. She and Brendan, for all the women he had had, were different. They shared something beyond that. Of course it bothered her when he spoke of how great a girl had been, or of how she wasn’t what he was interested in as a woman, she felt hurt. But no one could take away how they spoke to one another. How he made her feel alive. Not that she ever knew how he felt towards her. She was almost afraid of asking.

As the boat got to the beach, Julia and Brendan leapt off the boat, and ran to the hotel. The front was locked, but Brendan broke down the door. We’ll pay for that, he justified. Julia nodded her head as she clung on to her backpack. They stepped in, scrambled for the lights, and thank Ford for when it turned on. Julia ran to the nearest sink. There was water. They could take shelter here. But, there was something. Julia’s head snapped.

“Do you hear that?” she looked at Brendan, who was busy undressing from his wet clothes. He ignored her. She ran out. Out into the heavy rains again. It was hard to see far, but it was what she didn’t see that mattered most. The motorboat. And the sailor. They were gone. She squeezed her eyes just enough to make a shape out in the distance. She shouted for home to come back. It was useless. She wanted to scream, curse, kick and flail her arms wildly. But what would have been the point? How do you fight what isn’t there?

 

“He left us. The boat’s gone. We’re stuck here. No one knows we’re here…..” that last sentence rained on Julia heavier than the rain outside.

Brendan looked at her. She looked at him back. His eyes comforted her. Few people Julia knew had those eyes. Eyes that she could lose herself into. Julia rarely lost herself. Her thoughts often ran ahead of herself. But not with Brendan.

 

There was nothing else they could do, but to check what supplies they had, search the hotel area for anyone there at all. No one. Uncertainty. Julia hated it. She didn’t know what was going to happen to her. She didn’t know if anyone was coming. She didn’t know if there was anyone on the island. She didn’t know if she was left there on purpose.

 

Focus on what you do know.

 

Julia knew what supplies they had. Some canned food, some dried stuff like rice,.. Julia couldn’t think. All she wanted, was to be in Brendan’s arms. Somehow, it made things better.