I couldn’t.

No one could ever accuse me of not being able to talk. I doubt anyone would ever describe me as quiet…but that doesn’t mean I say everything. Tonight I realized that for all my chatter and banter, there are just some things I couldn’t bring myself to say. Tonight they came and I stared at them and as much as I wanted to tell them that each of them meant the world to me, all I could come up with was “Let’s watch a movie.” And as we sat there in silence munching on the popcorn and eyes fixated on the small screen, I turned my gaze to each of them and wondered if this was the last time I would be able to call them my babies. My terrible, terrible babies; whom I love and cherish for being the light of my life.

In my ups and downs I glanced at him and his tribe and saw how fixated they were….on him. And now I wonder should I really hang on to them if at my best, all I can offer them is a movie and some popcorn…perhaps I should motion to let go. I can’t beat him ever. He has them entranced and worst still I know that if I were there I would be together with them caught in his beautifully crafted spews. What he can achieve with them is something I probably cannot hope to do. Where do I go from here? Do I give up and leave or do I stay and hope to learn? Hope to someday evolve and become something nearly as great.

of still waters and raging seas

In the waters Sir Rant-A-Lot stands reminiscing of his days to come. The Crusades are gone, the invaders no longer jostle the heart of Sir Rant-A-Lot, and the grass is just as green. Yet here stands Sir Rant-A-Lot in these still waters. How the many moons have graced Sir Rant-A-Lot’s nights, how many clinks have made their way in and out of Sir Rant-A-Lot’s satchel, how many critters have sung the songs of the glee. Perhaps it is the still water that carries away Sir Rant-A-Lot’s spirit and joy?

There is grace, there is joy, there is enough of all that that Sir Rant-A-Lot has ever needed. Is he a fool for wanting to walk away from a dream come true? Or is he a greater fool to stay in the still waters when he is courageous enough to face the stormy seas?

In the valley of the green, there are hurdles at every turn. There are lions and demons waiting at every corner, and in no manner shall Sir Rant-A-Lot be assured that his head shall remain intact at the end of the day. Oh woe is Sir Rant-A-Lot who has the growlings of an empty crevice shrieking in pain….

Of Conundrums and Cross Roads

There are always the “correct” ways of solving everything. They tell you that you should:

ü  do well in school

ü  get good grades

ü  get into a respectable university

ü  get a decent job

ü  get a car, maybe even a house

ü  get married

ü  have children

They clearly say this is the path of happiness. For a very long eternity I believed them. I trusted them for how could they be wrong?

Pause.

Who is this “they” again?

Why do they get to dictate what makes me happy? Is happiness the same for everyone? For them to say that my life is nothing but an empty shell if I choose to never get married.. for them to declare I can’t possibly have a good life with the job that I have now. Why do they get to choose when and how I will be happy?

When I was a child they promised that they made decisions for me because they were the adults and that they knew what was best. Can’t you see that I am an adult now, too? Why do you still think you still have a right over my happiness?

Look at me!! Each day I smile. A genuine, heart-felt smile. Each day. Most days I even let out a nice belly laugh. Not the kind I put up for show because it was what was “polite” to do, but real, pure, laughter. I am thankful for all that He has given me. I work hard to make a life for myself and someday for the ones I love. What else am I doing wrong?