I will always want you

I know...I know...but it sounds nice, and it fits the bill.



Yes, I will always want you.

Perhaps out of boredom.

Out of nowhere I found a small reminder of you. When I say small, I mean teeny tiny. It was miniscule! But it was enough to remind me of you. Perhaps not because it was a reminder, but mostly because I was thinking of you. You probably think this is typical of me, to say these things at times like these; and perhaps it very much is. But that's ok. I am me. An older, more mature version, but still me. I still like to eat flavorful foods, and love to enjoy the night air and cuddle under the streetlights.

An epiphany (or another?)

There are goldfish who live happily enough in tiny bowls, and all you have to do is to clean out the bowl every few days or so. But how many fish can you keep in that one small bowl?

So you set off to get a large aquarium, full specs. Power filtration system, crystal clear shatter resistant glass, and a great mixture of the greatest most exotic aquatic creatures one could gather. It even has a timed food dispenser so you don't have to bother with the feedings. You're good to go. But what was the purpose of having the aquarium if you had no wish to bother with it? Like it or not, after some time, perhaps a month, perhaps even a year, the tank will need some form of care. Perhaps it could be a small thing, like refilling the food dispenser, or changing some of the plants that have died.

But what if the waters start to get murky and cloudy, and you can almost hear the fish coughing. Who do you blame then? Is it the fault of the fish for making excretions? Or the food for being consumed by the fish and thus creating those excretions? Or do you blame the filter for not doing its job well. If it did well a year ago, then why is it expelling filthy water now? What went wrong along the way? Perhaps it was the faulty cheap spare parts that the maintenance guy recommended the other day.

Now it becomes you job to clean it up. Never mind how it came to be so murky and filthy in the first place, all you can do now is to clean it, right? In itself, this presents a whole greater conundrum. The filter is state of the art, no other aquarium has this great filter you bought especially designed for you tanking needs. But even then, does it make sense to only scrub the sides so the aquarium will sparkle for the next few days? Or do you pick out and scrub all the pebbles as well? Will that do the job?

You know you have to clean out the whole tank, as much as it is a pain in the a** to do, you know it's necessary. It's a hefty chunk of work, but someone's gotta do it. It is your tank; and as much as the wife is gonna complain of the mess you'll create in the process, and the kids will try to get at the fish whilst they are exposed out of the safety of the tank, you know you gotta do it. So you roll up your sleeves and get to it.

First, you turn off the filter. Why? It can do no good whilst you're cleaning. In fact, it would just get in the way. Besides, the filter itself needs cleaning right? And is that the fault of the filter? Filters need cleaning too, right? And once you turn off the filter, doesn't it make sense that you clean that first? How far has the filter failed at its duties just because it needs to be shut down and cleaned? But, cleaning the filter alone won't do the job, someone still has to clean out the whole tank. After all, it is congested with fish crap and gunk.

 

Wow, all that, and it was just about a fish tank.

Under the covers, between the bedsheets.

Itchy scratchy itch itch itch

Oh how I wish I could get rid of this itch.

Curses you six legged pests

You make me itch itch itch

Creeping crawling up to my innocent skin

Slurping blood fraps flavored with gum.

Curses you six legged fiends

You make me itchy scratchy itch itch itch.

You make me paranoid of the covers

Of the pillows

Of the duvet

Of the bolsters.

Into the machine all of you then

And off to the hardware store for me

To find your poison

You six legged parasite.

Die scratchies….

Die! Die! Die!

…and she handed me a handful.

Dreams are weird. They have to be. Otherwise, you wouldn't know that it was a dream. Sometimes, you are relieved to realize that you are in a dream. Other times, you are grateful that the horrors you are facing will come to an end when you wake up. Sometimes, you just enjoy the ride having full faith that you will indeed open your eyes and it will all have just been a dream.

 

I was glad I had that dream. It was bizarre, slightly repulsive, decidedly disgusting and definitely awkward. But I went with it. Why? Because it was with you. Not that I have any wish for that particular dream to come true, but for the most part, I liked where we were headed. And I liked the extension of reality that came forward. But seriously, it was damn awkward. I'd complain, but I also must say it felt good. It felt good to see you, to know that it was part of some bizarre dream, to know that at least there we were together. And that your mother approved. Ok, that was the awkward part. Also the part where my mum had her own grocery store.

 

I keep replaying various scenes in my head. I like that. I like that I remembered what the dream was, I liked how it ended, and I liked that I was a part of it. Today was a good day.

Motivations

There was a time when life wasn't so complicated. Things were hard, and everything had to be calculated. Every action had immediate consequences, and you had to deal with them almost immediately as well.

I asked them what motivates them in life, what makes them get up on those bad days where life doesn't seem worth living. They said handsome actors on tv shows, friends greeting them along the way, or the smell of dinner being cooked downstairs. I said: it's easier to tell people what motivates you when life is hard rather than to tell people what motivates you when life is easy. When things are going great, you assume that you just keep moving forward. But are you?

I guess for quite a while I was deceiving myself. I thought all the great things were going for me, and therefore I was moving forward. Now I'm not so sure. Perhaps many aspects needs to be re-evaluated.

Teardrops that cannot fall

Disaster struck today.

The first of its kind

Not the worse that could happen

But it nearly made me cry.

And I don't cry.

I could never cry.

But for once in a few moments of my life,

I really wanted to.

I was shaking, trembling, nearly crumbling to the floor

But I had to keep going.

I needed the tears to fall

I needed to be held and be made to feel ok

I needed that person to tell me I'll be ok

To give me warm embraces and tell me what to do.

I needed you.

It took all the strength I had not to call you.

I couldn't cry without you.

I couldn't let go.

It wasn't safe.

The world isn't safe.

I stood for a while to try and regain my strength.

All I could muster was a faint stance.

I clambered out all shaken and terrified.

But I couldn't be.

I needed myself to be brave.

I know I've lost you.

I know I don't deserve you.

But I couldn't help but wish it was you I could hear at the end of the line.

Instead of the random strangers

The eager blood-sucking beings.

I wish it was you.

Not some nameless faceless being.

You.

But I no longer have you.

So all I'm left with is this bit of writing.

Hoping that it reaches you.

Not for a want of anything,

But sometimes it just feels nice to be wanted, right?

Hugs and kisses.