"Dr. Kübler-Ross refined her model to include seven stages of loss. The 7 stages of grief model is a more in-depth analysis of the components of the grief process. These seven stages include shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, and acceptance"
Shock is the time when she held it in her hands and shook as she confronted him. Shock is her response in telling him to leave. Shock is the despair at the sudden quiet after he left. Shock made her pick up the phone and call him. She needed to understand. She needed to let it set that this was real. Not some poorly designed prank. It was real. It was real. As real as the child she held in her arms that night. Alone. Shock kept her up that night. Shock drove her to her listless phonebook. Shock made her let him back in.
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Shock is the realization that it had come undone. She knew. It was out. But she didn't know all of it. He didn't know how much she knew. He begged her to end what angered her. Shock muted his voice. Shock lifted his hands to pack his belongings. Shock brought him out of the house. Shock made him seek companionship. Shock made him stay close. Where else would he go? What did he want? Who did he want? Shock kept that answer at bay from him. Shock made his responses later that night to her curt, and unfeeling. Shock pushed him to sleep and into deep slumber.
Denial is the time they pretended to work things through. Denial brought them to celebrate their time together with their child. Denial was holding hands and sitting in that hall whilst he (halfway) confessed his sins. Denial rendered her mute. Denial made her ask more questions. She knew the answers would give her clarity. And clarity she needed greatly so her decisions were not to be in haste. Clarity she longed for. Clarity would lead her to acceptance. That much she knew. So she pushed through. Question after question she posed, digesting all of it one by one. Often she stopped, seeking clarity. Often she prayed, seeking wisdom and patience whilst she gained clarity. Clarity will bring her to acceptance. That much, she knew.
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Denial is him saying he had confessed and that he deserved her forgiveness. He had, after all, ended all of it. No more, he had said. Denial. No more, he said. Again, he denies. But you cannot close what has not been opened, can you? You can't bury what is still hidden. Yes, you can, he says. Says denial. Denial telling her she had misunderstood all this while. It was nothing. It was meaningless. It was done. Denial made him ask why she had chosen him. Denial allowed him to let her plan out their future. Denial told him it was ok. Denial told him that what is not known will not hurt and will ultimately be forgotten. Denial made him snap at her for bringing up his indiscretion. Denial assured her that he has confessed all. Denial said they were going to work things out. Denial said there was hope for a future together. Denial said "I love you".
Anger was her yelling. Anger was her bringing up years of unhappiness. Anger was screaming foul words, hurling herself to the floor and wailing to the skies. Anger was her telling him off. Thinking of the whole ordeal made her feel anger. Pain. Anger caused pain. And all she felt was either anger or numbness. Anger was silence. Anger was telling him he wasn't doing enough. Anger was the hitting and screaming. When the pain inside was so overwhelming that all she could do was scream. So she did. With all her might.
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Anger was him sitting in silence. Anger was him holding in what he wanted to say, but didn't. Anger was him telling her that he was willing to leave. Anger was him telling her there was no path for them. Anger was him saying that life with her was no longer possible. Anger was shaking and shivering and stuttering out words he later regretted.
Bargaining was them sitting together writing notes and diagrams and lists. Bargaining was them considering what days of future past could possibly hold. They held hands. The made love. They talked about happy days ahead, and also of lonely ones. They talked about supporting one another, they laughed together, ate together, slept together. Bargaining was the whole list of "what if"s and "maybe"s. It was planning for the multiverse of variances unknown. It was searching hither and tither for help. It was barreling high and low finding answers. They both knew the outcome. But they were afraid to say it out loud. It was imminent. It was the only way. They both knew. Maybe it's a little bit of leftover denial peeking in. But they stood united. Thinking they would stay united. But in their hearts, as the park be their witness, they knew.
Depression was her seeing all the horrible deeds in her every step. There wasn't a pot or pan she couldn't connect to the pain. There wasn't a grain of sand that tickled her toes that didn't bring her back to that fated evening when her world collapsed. There wasn't a whiff of his scent that didn't take her to the memories of his better days without her.
But for him, it was much earlier. He had abandoned her long ago. He had sought out new adventures and conquered new lands long ago. He had tried to call for help, but the help he sought only sunk him out further.
So now, what's left?
testing, and acceptance.
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