My last breath.

      You made the right decision. Be happy, because you chose the right path. I am unfit, undeserving, and unimportant. Someday I will find that small point where the teeter totter stays level. Someday the sand will stop flowing, and I will be alright. I feel only darkness around me now, but it’s ok. I believe in the light that will come. I have faith that it will. Days, years, decades, the wait has always been there. It has always been there. This time round, all the seats are vacant. I sit up straight, place my palms upon my lap. Now it begins.

Today a child called out to me. I wasn’t supposed to be teaching him, but he had gotten a few friends, and they had concocted some secret plan. I knew they were just after the colourful balls I brought in last time, but it was just as flattering. They wanted me. They wanted me. For a moment, I forgot the gloominess that had brought me down these past few days. For a moment, I couldn’t help but smile. They didn’t know what it meant to me, for in their gleaming eyes I could see the bright colored balls fly past. For a few seconds I allowed myself to think: maybe they really wanted me, not the balls. Then I came back to reality.

It was a particularly bad day. One of those that you wish you could just curl up in bed and cry yourself to sleep. You wish. If only you were capable. But you’re not. So you droop and tuck yourself away from the rest of the world. You beg and pray you don’t break down halfway. You need this. You remind yourself. It’s hard enough getting through such a day. It’s harder when you know everyone will try to ask hoping you just tell them you’re fine.

Then He sends that small token of his love to remind you that He is there by your side. Even when no one else seems to be, He is there. Sometimes it’s in the form of a stranger’s smile, sometimes it’s a child’s words. She was on her way home. She was late as it was, and her mother was outside waiting. She was troubled herself, Papa had told. But the moment she saw my face as she was passing to say goodbye, she stopped and asked if I was ok. I gave her my well rehearsed smile, and told her I was fine. She turned, but stopped herself. She looked back, asking if I really was. She cared. Someone cared. I wanted to break down and sob in her arms, but I knew I never could. I thanked her for asking. God, you have no idea how grateful I am that she asked.