The beauty of irony in a song.

You're so vain,

you probably think this song is about  you

You're so vain,

 I'll bet you think this song is about you

Don't you? don't you?

You had me several years ago

when I was still quite naïve

Well you said that we made such a pretty pair

And that you would never leave

But you gave away the things you loved

and one of them was me

I had some dreams,

they were clouds in my coffee

Clouds in my coffee, and...

Well I hear you went up to Saratoga

and your horse naturally won

Then you flew your Lear Jet up to Nova Scotia

To see the total eclipse of the sun

Well you're where you should be all the time

And when you're not you're with

Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend

Wife of a close friend, and...

You're so vain,

you probably think this song is about  you

You're so vain,

 I'll bet you think this song is about you

Don't you? don't you?

Over the skyline, in a shining blue chariot.

One of the signs that a person loves you is that they tolerate your crazy antics. You might be the dullest, most boring person on the outside, but at home you have training sessions with your pet crabs to teach them how to walk straight. Or it could be the opposite, too. You might be the quirkiest, zestiest person outside, but when you come home you’re just glad to be Plain Jane and curl up with a warm cup of tea, reading a good book. The point is, a person who loves you should know you well enough to either put up with your antics, find a way to nurture that side of you so you become a better person; or best of all, find some humour in you being, well, you.

Musings of a crab.

So there was this crab, it was walking sideways the way that crabs do. It’s not like it’s anything new, but somehow the sight of it was just mesmerizing. It was a crab. A real, live, crustacean. It was a crab, and it was walking sideways. I wonder what it was thinking about. Do crabs think? They must have some thoughts right? Or do they just walk sideways thoughtlessly throughout their lives? If people were given the gift of hearing animal’s thoughts, would it drive them crazy? Why? Like this crab, imagine if crabs were all actually plotting the apocalypse, it’s just that they’ve never lived long enough to see their diabolical plans through? Whoa…we should fear those really large crabs, then, shouldn’t we? I mean, they must’ve lived longer than the average crab; at least longer than this little buddy side-walking in front of me here.

Lunacy of the moment.

I saw a stick, lying on the ground. One end was sunken under the damp sand, the other jutting out. I couldn’t help but stoop down, just to see how long it is, I told myself. It was almost sunset, and the waves were almost gone. The waters just rolled in with the bubbles skirting its edges. I pulled the stick out and drew a line in the sand. I watched, my eyes transfixed, at the waves that slowly erased my line. Before long I found myself squatting down and drawing circles, squiggles, triangles, and houses. My knees started to get shaky. I should be getting back, I told myself. Instead, I folded my legs on the damp sands and let the calm waves seep through my shorts. Oh well, there are worst things than having a wet bottom, I told myself. I kept drawing in the sands, careful to make sure that the waves erased my artwork before I started another. It felt like seconds, but before my insanity had been satiated, it was dark. The lamp posts flickered on, and I was there, alone, making squiggles in the sand. It was dinner time, and I was starving. I had no ideas where to head to, but somehow I couldn’t move. I stayed on with my squiggles for a while longer. I wonder if there are jellyfish here. Would they sting me? Would I have to pee on myself if I got stung? What if I got stung where I can’t reach? Would anybody hear if I shouted for help? The place is almost deserted. What if ruffians saw me doodling here, alone and defenceless; would they try to hurt me? Would they kill me or risk leaving me here injured? Where would they hide my body? Would anybody hear if I shouted for help? How long would it take before anybody notices I’m missing? Who would notice? Would they notice and assume that I just decided to disappear or would they bad mouth me for shirking my responsibilities? Or would they just notice?

18

Spicy spaghetti bolognese

Sausage and cheese baked potato

Traditional cakes

Chinese fried noodles

I knew I was in trouble. Luckily, I solved it and it was all just nice. Gluttony is not a sin I would like to have as part of me.

The bolognese and baked potato was awesome, though. Especially the baked potato.

A rant of annoyance.

Lately (ok not so lately, it’s just that I have recently grown exceedingly irked by this.) There’s been a particular increase in the marketing of a health powder. Ok, I don’t know what to call it because it’s not just one of those supplements that you take once a day to help bowel movement or stuff like that…noooooo. This particular “health” powder is like a food replacement, at least that’s the way they advertise it. Maybe to those short sighted idiots it’s a great deal. Buy this magical powder and never depend on normal food ever again. Just mix according to your taste. Make variety. Add bananas, add pineapples, add fish, or go crazy and add a couple of rocks. The point is, the way that this one particular person is promoting this powder, it’s as though she entirely depending on it. In fact, she condemns those who still consume “conventional” food.

Seriously! Day in day out I see her posts about all the shakes she’s consuming and how much it makes her “tummy feel happy”, at times I can count more than three shakes. Does she even take any natural, God-given, fresh food? Don’t get me wrong, I’m no health Goddess who eats all the veggies I’m supposed to, nor am I one of those homey-dads who eats only a good hearty home-cooked meal. I have my fair share of store-bought and processed food, but the was she’s presenting herself, it’s as though less than 10% of her food intake is of “normal” food. The rest is her and her shakes.

I know you’re a salesperson, and you want to convince your customers that you’re endorsing the best product ever. Hell lady, I’ve been a salesperson myself. I know all your tricks and tactics. Perhaps that’s why I see through them so easily and it is also perhaps why I am so disgusted by how you are presenting yourself, how you are presenting your life.

Look here lady, anything you choose to take, should be taken in moderation. When you place your greatest faith in some chemical blend of unknown origin and consume that and only that, don’t you think there’s something wrong with your judgement? Maybe you don’t think very far, but every time you post your latest status about your fourth shake of the day, all I can think of is the human race stuck on the ship in outer space. You know? The chair-ridden fat people in Wall-E slurping hamburger-flavoured shakes because they “are so advanced, that they are beyond ole time normal food”

Is our society so jaded to believe that we are a lesser species if we consume fresh natural foods? Instead we should consume (I use here the word ‘consume’, not ‘eat’ because obviously you wouldn’t ‘eat’ the powder. Even the crazed shakers would admit that’s just disgusting.) these tried and tested health drinks that will conjure up limitless health and energy.

You annoying person, now you make me want to go and grill a chicken or something.

Joys no money can buy.

I crushed a small boy’s chance at happiness today. I was in a position of power to allow him a bit of joy, and I denied it to him. He was reaching right in that direction and I just put my finger there instead. Then I pressed the button. I made the silver button glow. Then all the little boy could do was stare helplessly knowing that if he pressed it again it would make the light go away, so he couldn’t.

I remember the time when there was such great joy in pressing the elevator buttons. Or any buttons, for that matter. There was just a certain joy in placing your finger(s) on a surface, applying some pressure, then voila! Something magical would take place. Food would become warm, colours would come on to the grey screen and static would crackle over the surface, blades of coolness would move causing that oh-so-calming whirr in the air, water would come trickling out. It’s a magical feeling. When was the last time I felt that sense of excitement at pressing a button? Oh yes, just now, right before I realized that my joy was taken from a small child.

I feel like a monster now. A terrible, child-joy-stealing monster. And now I also feel hungry. Perhaps some warm milk would do the trick.