Indeed hard to swallow.

In dream land, you would have been referring to me. That a great orchestration of arrangements had been medleyed in the dim risings of the sun. Just as the rays had found its way from that burning ball of fire up in the sky, would this magnificent gesture have come by to your beautiful mumblings. Perhaps a moment’s dis-illusions permitted by accidental caffeine may give way to us thinking that it was even a possibility. That your noble gestures had been of greater wishes and of virtues I had not given myself the enlightment to experience. However, the same way the last wishes of a person thinking of his death bed will most probably not be his last, is the same way the thought of that far-fetched ill-reality is probably not going to come true.

 

Brother Bears love to gobble after little Miss Sunshine’s extra pudding. If only she could figure out how to count how many of them she had. She tried and tried to count, until at last she figured, she might as well just enjoy whatever pudding she could have a bite of, and then enjoy watching Brother Bears fight over the rest. She knew they never went after her dinner and made sure she had her fill before attacking for the rest. They were grizzly, as all Grizzly Brother Bears were, but they were good bears, as the standards of bears might be told.

Yes, you.

I can’t wait for the weekend. I need to recharge. I need to laugh, smile, and feel alive.

Can I get through this? Yes, I can. I just need the strength. Stamina. Perseverance.

 

I can either let all this drown me, or be the force that makes the change.

I could withdraw. I see so many showing withdrawal symptoms. Can I keep myself from going through the same? Can I help them? Will I?

 

 

So here’s a list of things I want to do; things I will do, to keep myself from drowning:

-          Run. Get that heart pumping.

-          Read. Get that mind jogging.

-          Write. Get those thoughts sorted out. Squeeze them out.

-          Explore. Is there anything new to discover? Of course there is!

-          Reach out.

At the balcony, they stood.

I guess I got side-tracked. Or maybe, I didn't want to write that ending; as though if I put it onto paper that it would then become the real ending.
Maybe  want to know that there will be the continuance before I can write it as the tragedy.

We all want happy endings.

But I should remind myself that it might not be now. Not that it is never..just not exactly now.

It was more than a coincidence.

It was far more than that.

Practice practifce practice

You can let it break you,

Make you,

Or define you.

 

You’ve fought this battle before. Did you notice that it came at about the same time? You were going through the same situation and somehow out of it you managed to put yourself in this pile of mud.

Maybe it’s a coping mechanism. The amazing thing is that you always managed to find that counter party that somehow fit into that profile. Or was it purely your imagination?

Remind yourself that you are on the right path. This is just a pebble along the way. He was right. What about six months from now? Listen to yourself. You won’t magically download the necessary skills. You work on them each and every day, evolving them along the way. You are not looking for an attainable perfection; rather a continuous expansion of what you are capable of. You are doing better. Do you think the you from 2012 would have been able to cope with this? No. All those pebbles and rocks, little gusts of wind, storms along the way, have given you the inner strength you need to deal with this now. Do not shortchange yourself. If anyone can do this, you can.

Now wipe that frown from your face. Deal with your problems. Don’t just shove them aside. Deal with them. Are they valid problems, or are they fabricated? Untangle that knot in your head. Or maybe the problem is that your chaos is not where it should be?

Set you priorities.

Manage your expectations.

Set achievable, measureable goals.

 

 

And don’t forget, have fun along the way.

Some only plan for the future,

Some only live in the present.

Some dwell in the past.

 

It takes a lot more to use your past to build your future while enjoying the present.

A week non-stop.

Dear 17/6/2014 Me,

 

Still sweltering here, and shedding worse than a German Sheppard during summer (wait, do German Sheppards shed? During summers?)

 

How much fur would a German Sheppard shed if a German Sheppard could shed fur?

 

Ok, I’m back. Things are awesome. Struggling, but a good kind of struggle. It meant a lot to hear from you. I’ve almost forgotten my colors; thanks for reminding me. It was a good time to remind myself to “play nice, and be nice”. I’ll try to keep that in mind for the weeks to come.

You know, I made a discovery.

People have to have hate. Well, maybe not exactly hate hate, but annoyance, or irritance. It’s human nature. The past months have been nil of that because the humans you dealt with were not in your face, and merely a brief let-it-go moment.

 

“Politicians divide us, terrorists unite”

 

So the past unity was because you shared a common enemy. Now that there is none to tell of, human instinct takes over. Now you see how she talks you down. And she happens to be right in front of you. You see her every day. You will continue seeing her. Now here’s the question: how does a conscious person react? Do you dwell in the hate that is undoubtedly mounting, or do you focus on your goals. Take it all in with a pinch of salt.

Remember, how they treat you is a show of their character. How you react to it is a show of yours. If this was one of your kids coming to you, telling you of his woes, what would you say to him?

Keep your colors alive. Smile. Not because it is what is expected of you, but because you have good reason to smile. Do you know what it means to have been able to open that letter? How many people of your age can accomplish what you have, given where you started?

Give it your best shot. You are at an advantage: you know what you are doing. How do you sustain that? Is there really a point in proving them wrong?

…the king who slaughtered his enemy in combat; versus the king who let his enemy live, then spread his reign beyond any other conqueror…

 

Don’t bother showing them what you are capable of. Prove it to yourself. Set your own standards, and constantly challenge yourself. Do not allow yourself to become dormant, complacent.

Do you see how having that other element(s) has helped you cope through this three-day challenge? Your friend did you a favor, she did. That wasn’t her intention, but it was still good for you that she gave you that small shove. Remember that. Keep at it. Stay busy. Keep productive. Sift through your Happy Book again. If you need to, bring it with you. Negativity has no place in where you are headed.

 

If anyone can find a way through this, it is you. You’ll get stuck here and there, but you’ve always managed to make your way out. Make it happen this time.

 

 

 

Oodles of love,

08/03/2015 Me.

No proper destination, just a random warm-up

For two days in a  row I had planned out a day out which I had not executed as planned. Now I have a huge pending errand that I have to run, plus petrol is running low so I'll have to figure out when I should fill up before it starts to tell me it's hungry. I wonder if I'll hit this month's minimum, but I'm sure I will.

Oh look, an opportunity for my favourite pass time: call customer service. This time two banks have the pleasure of trying to sort things out for me. The first put me on hold for longer than I cared for, and gave me a third time promise of the same thing. Second call wasn't as pleasurable. I found they had made empty promises. A minor request got me over to another person who not only fixed things, but also gave me a solution which I may like more than my current arrangement of things. Excellent. That's why you were my bank of choice.

I wonder how I'll make time to run that errand tomorrow. I'll have to go home and take a nap first. I don't want to go later in the day because parking will be difficult.

I'm really craving for coffee. Let's go to that place I see as I walk by ever so often. Nope, changed my mind. I'll go downstairs instead. That coffee place doesn't look like a coffee place. More like a furniture display. Oh, it is. Cool. They even display the prices on the furniture so if you saw something you liked you could order one straight away. Pretty smart business plan.

Coffee's ok. Had a caramel latte. Came with a biscotti. Munch munch.

So it wasn't a lie. I am busy these next few weeks. At least three weekends are fully booked. Wonderful. Never felt so alive. Productivity at its finest. Must make sure I have time to work out. I want another go at the Stairmaster thing, but it's kind of an either/or with the treadmill. I'm getting fat.

No, not fat..just a little tubby. But not a bad kind of tubby. I think I'm a nice kind of tubby. Gummy. Like gummy bears? Yes, a gummy type of tubby. *Plays Gummy Bears theme song in head*

Look at you, inviting people to breakfast, book-hunting trips, dinner (oh God.... that was a mistake. But wait, I wasn't the invited on that occasion). What a difference from that person just a year ago. Good job! *Rubs tummy in proud accomplishment*

It's already March.

April

May

June

July

August

September

October
November

December


I have almost an entire year mapped out. Woohoo! Of course, it may change as I go, but change is good. What's even better is that the plan is mine. Kept in a secret vault hidden by spices and Reese's Pieces. Stay away from my Pieces. Wait, I only have two more. I should buy more.

Blind as it is, blind as it may

I guess what I couldn't accept was the dormant mind. The one that was satiated with how things were, and taking that easy peasy step. Life is all comfort and obvious choices.





And no, I don't wish to be hunting rabbits in the desert.