How to be cruel.

It was terrible! The moment I stepped off the plane men started rushing forward towards me, waving their p****es at me and flailing it at my every crevice. I had to use 7 cans of mace just to ward them off. It took all my informal martial arts lessons from old Bruce Lee movies and 10 ounces of heroine for me to fend them off and salvage a little morsel of my dignity and chastity. But then, the pickpockets came at me. Wave after wave of pickpockets dressed as businessmen in suits and fellow tourists rushed by me, like spy hawks trying to get at any little resemblance of valuables that I might have. However, watching Kim Possible all those years proved to make me slick enough to slip away from them. And there were so many! About 8000 of them!

I thought I was safe, but then, I came face to face with……a dark, lonely alley. I had no choice. To my left were the perverted shriveled dongs of old men waving at me, to my right were the hawking pickpockets. I wasn’t thinking straight, especially after the heroine I mentioned earlier. Luckily for me, there was a nice person offering me some Absinthe so I took a quick gulp of that and sprinted down the dark, lonely alley. Alas! There was the dwelling of the muggers and organ harvesters. They paid me no mercy and started wielding scythes and rubber chickens at me. Luckily the alley was short and I managed to get away with just a lost spleen. Those grow back, don’t they?

I made my way to the town square where nobody spoke English, and everybody was just ready to party. In fact, they were so ready to party that they had already had pre-cocktails to the cocktails before the party. They slumbered past me, slurring loving promises of silenced promiscuity. I was so glad that it started to rain and the thunder started to peal through the sky like the Pyramids collapsing, so I didn’t have to hear their drunken slurs. But then I realized that it was indeed the iconic tower next to me collapsing. I decided to make a dash for it. I’m pretty fast, thanks to the training I received from all the people I encountered just a few moments ago.

Now I arrive at the hostel, and the door creaks as it holds on to the rotting single hinge it was hanging from. Vipers slid across the registry and made snaps at the mice that were snacking on the severed fingers that were splayed under the counter. I pretended not to see them and signed my name. Little did I know that they slurped in my signature and now there are 14 fake bank accounts made to my name, all in debt. But no worries, I can always declare bankruptcy, right?

Up the stairs, I smelt the rotting flesh, but it didn’t bother me so much as the screams that came from within the rooms. Bedbugs scuttled behind me, in great anticipation of their fresh meal. I finally found my room, and not only were there lovers occupying my bed performing acts I did not know possible to the human body, they were sweet enough to invite me to join in. However, I had made plans and politely excused myself. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can still hear the rickety sounds of the bed and their scream.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hahahahahahahaha…….