Disbelief.

Take moment.

Think about it.

Think of someone random in your life. Someone you know, but not enough to call a friend, but not estranged enough to be a complete stranger.

Just think of someone.

Anyone.

What if, that person suddenly disappeared from your life? As in, one day they were in it, and the next they weren't. They still exist, still live their lives pretty much the same way. Still go about their routines, still interact with them same people. Except you.

You text, no reply. You call, they don't pick up. They haven't blocked you (as far as you know) from any social media or apps, and in a sense they are right there in your phone's memory. But they aren't in your life anymore. They no longer speak to you, and you no longer see them. In a way, they are still your "friend", or so says the social sites. And the way "smart" inventions are, everybody and their kitchen sink is synced to your phone's memory. Like it or not, they are there, but they are not.

It's bizarre how all the interactive apparatus should technically bring us closer, but as the same time, when everything is so accessible, nothing is. You see them, you see where they go, how they feel, what they are wearing, but at the same time, they are no longer part of your life. They remain in your life, but at the same time they are out of it.

Even if you knew where they lived, what car they drive, where they eat, where they send their dry cleaning, it is so easy for them to cut you out of their lives. It's like "today I decide I want nothing more to do with you" and then you're just thrown out.

Sometimes you know exactly the reason for this, but sometimes you don't. Even if you knew why, part of denial is that you try to rationalize what they've done, and partially you start blaming yourself. Perhaps you are partly to be blamed. Perhaps it is their loss at losing you. Perhaps you are lucky to be cut out early on so you aren't sucked into some sort of terrible whirlpool. Perhaps it was all for the best.

All the possibilities run through your head, and you keep going over them one by one. Trying to understand. Trying to comprehend. Trying to make sense of what has happened. You thought you mattered. You thought it was different this time. You thought you made a difference.

 

In the end, it just hurts, that's all.