Set your own standards

Do you really believe that you should be married by XX years old, or did someone tell you that? 

Does a lavish wedding form part of your dream, or are you trying to make someone else happy on your big day?

When we set our own standards of living, it means that we take the time to assess our values, our beliefs, our foundations. It also means stepping back and asking “where did I learn this? Does it make sense to me?”

Not everyone wants to be a doctor with four children living in the outskirts of New York. But if that’s you, then work hard towards it.

This is not about being the feel-free-be-free-momma-gonna-pay-for-me.

Being a responsible adult means having developed a sense of what is right and what is wrong. This requires ownership. That means that as an adult, you should have your standards, which may or may not have been shaped by your parent(s). If you are still referring to them for permission to do things in your life for your life, then my dear the bird has not left the nest.

Now don’t quote me wrong: by all means if you believe including your parents in your life is an important value that you hold dearly, then keep them in the loop. What is not responsible is to leave the burden of judgement on your parents’ lap. Buy a house? Ask mummy. Pay for the car? Tell daddy. Dude, you’re an adult. Make a decision. Listen to feedback from knowledgeable persons and reassess your decision.

Setting your own standards does not mean defying your culture or family. What it means is that you are intelligent and mature enough to understand the standards you were raised in, and finding core values that you would like to maintain, and tweek practices that may be time-appropriate. For example: you might have been raised to get water from the well. Now that you live in the city, you no longer get water from the well, but you understand it is important to stay hydrated and keep yourself clean. Are you defying the people who raised you? Are you disrespecting them? No, you understand that there are different ways of getting the same thing done. You still get it done. This is so very important, and often forgotten. You still get it done.

Another example: You were raised with home cooked meals. You, the career-person, struggle to keep your fridge stocked with fresh unwilted produce so you opt for a food delivery service. For as long as you are not sending the bill to your mother (read: paying for it yourself), you are keeping yourself fed, and paying for your way of life. You set that to be an acceptable standard. If you can afford it, by all means, carry on. Don’t let society tell you that you are less of a person just because you don’t cook. And this is really important: Don’t marry a person who makes you feel like less of a person for not cooking. You bring value to the table, that is always important. But what those values are, you determine that.

Being alone is pathetic and lonely. << That is someone else’s definition and interpretation. If you agree with it then so be it, but understand and respect that there are other people who value and enjoy their time alone. Some even thrive in their alone time.

Once you work on determining what your standards are, why you have them, how you will be working towards your ideals, then you will find that you are too busy to judge others’ choices. And because you did such soul searching, you would have walked through the possibilities and that would open your eyes to how other people have made their choices in life. Respect that. They may not match your choices, but you should be able to respect that they have made such choices. The irritating part would be seeing those less enlightened still walking the followers path, and doing things by old standards. They are easy to spot. Leave them be. You set your standards. Perhaps their standards are merely to follow. Leave them be.