Now, don't just walk away.

A little over a year ago, I found myself in turmoil. It was necessary. I had (I think most of us have) lived a life designed by others, and found myself in need of a re-calibration. I had never before thought of what it was I wanted. I realised that too much of what I was working towards was a result of what I was conditioned into wanting. I had to break free. Are they all bad? The things they conditioned me into? Not all. Some of it I found I even agreed to. In time.

That’s the thing. So much of these goals they had set were so attainable, it crushed me when I didn’t get there. At some point, I asked of that was all life was..these dull, attainable goals. Ad sadly, I was told ‘yes’. And blank stares ensued as I refused to accept it.

I had to re- assess my life. Did I have dreams? I was surprised to find that I did. I know they had been with me for a long time. But like many others, I kept them silent in a dusty box out of the common path that I threw myself into. No one understood how unhappy I was. So much anger. So much unrest. I felt unfulfilled.

I am lucky that I was willing to put myself through the pain. I look back at my scars and I find comfort in knowing that those scars are mine. I earned them. Greater than any trophy. I now know I have no thirst for trophies. But I love the preparations to war. I love the battle itself. And yes, I have found wars on which the winner isn’t declared. You rest, check your wounds, and decide whether you want to keep fighting. You decide whether there are still tactics to pick up, strategies you haven’t learnt. If there are no more then you pick up what mental weapons you have and you move on to your next battle.

This is life. I don’t care if I don’t win at it. But I do care of what I have made of myself. I do care of the person that I have become, or will become. Today’s choices should make me a better person tomorrow. But not so I can earn bragging rights. Rather, so that when my time is up I can say that I am ready. That I have not wasted the time Lord has granted me on his earth.

Have my priorities changed? Well, the essence of them haven’t. I wanted to determine for myself what I wanted to make of myself. I have pretty much done so. Now the greater challenge is making it happen. Over the course of the year I’ve found myself re-calibrating time and again. That is fine.

Truth is, I feel overwhelmed. I am voicing out and working towards something I fear. How do you choose to achieve something that makes you cower in fear? I am terrified. Of what, exactly? If I can find the answer to that then I can figure out if this is a battlefield I should be on. Is it the permanence? Is it the implications I am making? Is it physical or emotional?

How do I tell you that I love you when I know I am set up for hurt. Always, I am set up for hurt. How do I choose to fight when the fight will not award me a battle scar I can carry with pride? How do I show you my demons without them destroying us. But then, “he whose demons pacifies mine, who silences my evil, and serenades my unrest”.