I wish it were that simple. I had a glimpse of what could have been, and I shuddered at it. What I had wanted. It was what I had wanted, but not granted. Lord knows best.

For once, I see how He has protected me. I remember what I had mistakenly thought. A series of unfortunate events that aren't unfortunate after all. They were blessings.

How do I pull through this one? It will take time. Isn't it bizarre how the tables have turned and I see things from the other side. Where I am no longer chasing shadows, or illusions. Here is reality. Filthy, pungent, vile. Reality.

There's no sugar coating it.

How do I describe loathing something so much it attracts me? But then, aren't humans naturally attracted to what they despise? They hover over it, careful not to touch, but sure enough they do come menacingly near.

Father, protect me. No, he cannot. Salvage the remnants of the good in me. Father, please.

None of this makes sense. But has it ever? will it ever?

No, Sister. You are right. We do not choose. Yet what we do, we do indeed choose. That trigger feels light in my hand. Just a little pull. Just a little.

Do I want it to end?

Is it intrigue?

Ego?

A challenge.

Infatuation.


There is much to learn here. But this lesson will be particularly painful. The best ones always are.

Father, protect me.


Maybe I should surrender. That is indeed the easy path. Body is willing but the heart hesitates. That's new. The heart hesitates. The mind is alive and boggling. But the heart hesitates.

No, it is not mine.

Fight.


Of course I will, but for what?

What am I fighting for?

Father, salvage me.

Horrid. She tainted me with her evils and left me for dead. Now I lie here, broken. Abandoned. Discourage cannot begin to describe the hurt and pain I feel.


She. She is vile. Putrid. Pungent. Disgusting. There is no salvation for her. Not after all the pain she put me through. For what? For her own selfish needs. I was too pure. I didn't understand  her pain, so she gave me hurt. She gave me pain. She gave me angst. She. She drove me to this state of filth. All the pain that I am, is because of her. She wanted me to feel her pain. Now that I do, she deserts me.


How do I answer for what I have done?

Or, how do I manage what I do next?



Decisions, decisions....


That heart that hesitates patiently waits. Tis only a matter of time. A time already set.




This will not end soon. She will not enjoy it.