One final gift

Today, on this sad, depressing, unspecial day, I would like to beg you. I beg you to stop making me think of you. Yes, I am thankful for all you have given, all the love and attention, all the kindness and thought. But it’s all in the past now. You have nothing more for me. And constantly reminding me of that is just plain cruel. Reminding me constantly, even if it’s just with that one word “Hello”, that there is nothing more to look forward to between us, that is just cruel. I don’t envision myself having any more pointless friendships. And a relationship where only singular words are exchanged is nothing but a courtesy. A courtesy I do not wish to uphold.

I do not hate you. I do not have bad wishes for you. I have made peace with what has happened and I accept it as part of what has made me the person that I am today. I want to move forward with my life. If you can’t bring me there then set me free to find my own path. Let go of my hands and set me free. I cannot move forward if I am stuck thinking of the past, if I am stuck thinking of what could have been, what should have been, what failed to be. I am tired of the endless tug and pitfalls that I have been dragged through. I have no more strength to face this. And I face all of this alone.

I cannot beg your understanding. There is no way I could explain to you what it is that I want for I myself no longer know. All I know is that I do not want constant reminders of the cinders we left behind. I do not want to see the ashes of a flame that will no longer burn again. All I can do is, here, now, get down on my knees with my head bent down, and beg for you to walk away. Take away all our memories and lock it up in the attic for no one to see. I deserve at least that. I deserve to move on, even if it means always being alone. And in these forlorn four walls, I sit here with only one request: cut away all the strings and set me adrift.

I am not your responsibility. My happiness is up to me and me alone. Singular wishes will not help me. They make my day worse for they remind me of what I used to have. It reminds me of what I had given up. It reminds me of what I am no longer willing to fight for. Please, let me go. In my humblest, weakest point, I beg you to let me go. I have no more strength to fight. I have no more will to do so, either. Let me remain in these barren solid four walls where I won’t be disappointed by foolish hopes and dreams anymore.

I wish I could wave my white flag to show that I surrender. But I honestly have no more strength. Some days, I wish I could take one last trip to the beach, lay down on the sands and let the waves take me away. I want to go away. I have nothing more for me here. I spent all my life fighting for so much and now I have nothing except these four barren walls. And each time I am reminded that once upon a time I had plenty to fight for, it brings me down. Each time they ask of you and I have no answer, it broke me down. I failed. Not you. Not us. I just gave up, and therefore I failed.

I no longer want to fight. I no longer want to forgive, I no longer want to forget, I no longer want to feel, I no longer want a chance. I no longer want. I give up. There is nothing left to fight for because I give up. Whatever chance there could’ve been, whatever time could have healed, it doesn’t matter because I give up. And despite how lonely and depressed I am in these silent four walls, I don’t wish to give anything a try anymore. I don’t wish.

If you could remember how hard it was for me to ask for help, then understand what magnitude it is for me to ask you for this help right now. I ask you to take the dagger and strike it down. Kill whatever remnants of what we had and throw them away, burn them if you please. It will be painful, but not as cruel as those constant reminders of how nothing we are now. And make no mistake, we are nothing. Saying hello every once in a blue moon does not make it something, and to me it is only cruel. It doesn’t show me you care. It just shows me that you exist. In your world, you exist. Not mine. So go forth, thrive in that world you so cherish. Close this pathetic portal you keep open and erase all the evidence that it ever existed.

Don’t give me sad goodbyes because we are past that. We are separate people leading separate lives. You have no idea of how my days go and I have no idea of yours. Don’t give me un-subtle clues of how you stalk the spiders of my existence. Please, just go. We have nothing left between us and to dangle that in front of me endlessly by saying how you want to be friends; that is just cruel. Go forth, be happy. But there is no need to share that happiness with me because it was very clear that you wanted to make your own happiness; separate from me. You never made plans for our future because there never was any future. You would never admit that, but that is how you made me feel. Now every time I see clues of your existence I am reminded of that. So please, give me this final gift.

The old, haggard, and beat,

Sir Rant-A-Lot.