Shine the light

Living a life looking for your crusade. That one battle that brings you to Heaven. You imagine swords clashing, blood spewing, screams and cries of pain off in the distance. What you don’t imagine is sipping that glass of OJ and fighting inner demons you never thought existed. Or maybe you did, you just never bothered fighting them.

That never was

The silence is deafening
Not a single word left
Each one
You've taken and hawked
For the value of nothing
For the wanting of nothing
For it never was

Harvested as you please
Left for dead when I don't appease
And there, tragically I stand
Waiting in the cold winds

For the price of being nothing
For the time of being with no one
For the moments of being unwanted
Never missed
Never yearned for
Always

Demolish the strength of my core
Shattered, crushed, broken, and torn
I thank you for this lesson
Of a non existent love
That never was

So listen to my cries
Pure of lies
That all you are
Is what never was
That never was

There will be nothing
To resurrect your existence
For the love that never was
Flies away no matter my endeavor

So I will not plead you to stay
Nor will I beg for a second thought
Nor will I force a new promise

No longer shall I offer my body
For my heart is rotten
But I am still standing
Unwavering
And for you I shall not bleed

Memories of Chablahah

Remember this day.

12-11-19

Remember this date.

The darkened room you entered, the dishes you washed.

The milk you stored.

The vibrations in the background.

The hurried steps you made across the hall.

The rice you washed and cooked.

The rice container was almost empty. Remember that.

Your hurried glances to make sure your chores weren’t a disturbance.

Remember the joy you felt at being able to do these trivial, menial chores.

You looked around for what else you could do.

Remember this day.

Remember this date.

For whenever you feel tired and useless, remember this date.

Whenever you feel like giving up, remember this day.

It was late evening.

Remember the bowls of rice that were about to be taken to the dining table.

Remember the pot of hot soup on the stove.

Remember the disarray of clothes on the floor.

Remember the wordless moments.

The silence.

Remember it.

This is important.

She told you to be strong. You must be strong.

And to be strong, you must remember.

Of principles and disciples

She asked: Do I have to forgive him?

Well, the answer is no, you do not. At least, people can tell you to do so, but whether or not you do will always be up to you. It is a mind/heart matter. You can keep knocking on a thousand doors, and each time you will hear “Forgiveness is the righteous path”. Yes, you can keep knocking doors hoping you’ll find that one that says “Leave. Walk out with your head held high”

She whispers: ..I want to. I really really  want to. I wish I could. *her head hangs low*

But what?

Forgiveness is the easier path. You bury the mistakes, never mention it again and hope for the best. Your life continues on the same path that you were on. Nothing really changes, except how you feel.

She purses her lips, and mutters: Does it really matter then, how I feel?

Of course it does.

But to whom?

When we talk of punishments, of suffering, of pain, of crime, being forgiven comforts the perpetrator. They say it should bring closure and calm to the victim. Does it? It should, shouldn’t it? Living a life with a grudge hangs on and weighs you down. It does nothing to the perpetrator.

It does nothing.

Unless, you have a plan. An action plan. A plan that you are willing to follow through.

And that, is the hard part.

A lot of work, surely.

So the question is, do you put in effort towards forgiveness and acceptance, or do you put in effort towards leaving.

It’s in your hands. Choose wisely.

Set your own standards

Do you really believe that you should be married by XX years old, or did someone tell you that? 

Does a lavish wedding form part of your dream, or are you trying to make someone else happy on your big day?

When we set our own standards of living, it means that we take the time to assess our values, our beliefs, our foundations. It also means stepping back and asking “where did I learn this? Does it make sense to me?”

Not everyone wants to be a doctor with four children living in the outskirts of New York. But if that’s you, then work hard towards it.

This is not about being the feel-free-be-free-momma-gonna-pay-for-me.

Being a responsible adult means having developed a sense of what is right and what is wrong. This requires ownership. That means that as an adult, you should have your standards, which may or may not have been shaped by your parent(s). If you are still referring to them for permission to do things in your life for your life, then my dear the bird has not left the nest.

Now don’t quote me wrong: by all means if you believe including your parents in your life is an important value that you hold dearly, then keep them in the loop. What is not responsible is to leave the burden of judgement on your parents’ lap. Buy a house? Ask mummy. Pay for the car? Tell daddy. Dude, you’re an adult. Make a decision. Listen to feedback from knowledgeable persons and reassess your decision.

Setting your own standards does not mean defying your culture or family. What it means is that you are intelligent and mature enough to understand the standards you were raised in, and finding core values that you would like to maintain, and tweek practices that may be time-appropriate. For example: you might have been raised to get water from the well. Now that you live in the city, you no longer get water from the well, but you understand it is important to stay hydrated and keep yourself clean. Are you defying the people who raised you? Are you disrespecting them? No, you understand that there are different ways of getting the same thing done. You still get it done. This is so very important, and often forgotten. You still get it done.

Another example: You were raised with home cooked meals. You, the career-person, struggle to keep your fridge stocked with fresh unwilted produce so you opt for a food delivery service. For as long as you are not sending the bill to your mother (read: paying for it yourself), you are keeping yourself fed, and paying for your way of life. You set that to be an acceptable standard. If you can afford it, by all means, carry on. Don’t let society tell you that you are less of a person just because you don’t cook. And this is really important: Don’t marry a person who makes you feel like less of a person for not cooking. You bring value to the table, that is always important. But what those values are, you determine that.

Being alone is pathetic and lonely. << That is someone else’s definition and interpretation. If you agree with it then so be it, but understand and respect that there are other people who value and enjoy their time alone. Some even thrive in their alone time.

Once you work on determining what your standards are, why you have them, how you will be working towards your ideals, then you will find that you are too busy to judge others’ choices. And because you did such soul searching, you would have walked through the possibilities and that would open your eyes to how other people have made their choices in life. Respect that. They may not match your choices, but you should be able to respect that they have made such choices. The irritating part would be seeing those less enlightened still walking the followers path, and doing things by old standards. They are easy to spot. Leave them be. You set your standards. Perhaps their standards are merely to follow. Leave them be.

Thank you

Thank you for doing the dishes

And the laundry too

Thank you for making dinner

For me and for you

Thank you for holding my hand

Thank you for being there for him

Thank you for all the diaper changes

And late night cuddles

Thank you for the half glasses of water

In the middle of the night

Thank you for the rice in the bowl

Thank you for the clean floor

Thank you for the missing cucumber

That we can’t find anymore

Thank you for always driving

Thank you for lending your ear

Thank you for carrying what’s heavy

Thank you for opening the doors

Thank you for letting me stay

And thank you for letting me go.

New house on the prairie

They arrive, with the movers shortly in tow. The house is empty. Lived-in previously, but empty..of shelves, wardrobes, even the sink isn't there. She looks dismayingly in the distance. Helpless.
"If I unload that box, I can put it in the kitchen. Wait...the kitchen needs to be cleaned before anything can be placed there." -dead end-
"I'll put everything in one room, clean the rest and then only move them to the right places" -double work-

Where do they even start?