The answer is yes.

 

 

 

1.       Thank you for holding my hand when I was scared. I was pretty scared.

2.       Thank you for answering my questions, no matter how ridiculous they may seem. I know they are awkward for you, too.

3.       Thank you for giving me occasional pats and hugs. I didn’t know I needed them, but I did.

4.       Thank you for making fun of me, and making me feel like it’s okay to screw up sometimes.

5.       Thank you for greeting me, even when I look like I just came back from Mordor.

6.       Thank you for thinking ahead for me; and knowing that my brain hurts sometimes, too.

7.       Thank you for leaning on me, and making me feel worthy.

8.       Thank you for waiting for me at the sidelines.

Random 3

#1 Is it the mild autism that makes him fiddle with such appendages, or is it a common gender-centric behaviour? Is it age? Is it the ease of access?

#2 I believe congratulations are in order; not that I particularly want to be the one wishing that; as opposed to joining your acceptance of the wish, however, I must accept that there are certain fates sealed, certain hopes that shouldn't be hoped for. So, congratulations.

#3 Given a set of circumstances, one can predict a list of possible outcomes. However, given any discrepancies in those outcomes, I don't believe a person is entitled to judge the outcome as "correct" or "false" based on their personal paths of choice.

#4 Intelligence lays weight on a person. Not physical weight, but visible nonetheless. The constant thinking and evaluating options, and analysing outcomes comes at a price. That being said, you look youthfully radiant, my dear.

#5 It was 4 o'clock in the afternoon!!!

#6 Should anger be managed, expressed or supressed? Does that apply to other feelings as well, such as happiness, excitement, fear? How does one do so?

#7 THAT is the name of my SD card!!

#8 Animal Farm has my saying in print, without me even knowing about it beforehand!

#9 Goodbye Turtle, I didn't know you had already found a home. I thought I was original.

#10 The more you explore the world, the more you learn of your surroundings, the more you realize how small the world is.

On changing the world

 

 

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.




William Ernest Henley

 

 

I am no superhero. Changing the world seems an impossible feat to my small frail hands. I am weak, powerless, defenceless, and no one will support any crusade I wish to fight. I do not want to join in those fights already started. I do not want to leave the comforts of being "normal". I am afraid. I have commitments. I will start once I finish on more small task.

 

We are all changing the world. One way or another, we are always part of something greater than just ourselves. Whether it is being that supporter that makes a fatigued man finish his race, or the welcoming smile that awaits the trembling hands of a falling soldier. Whether we smile at a stranger and makes his day just half an ounce better, or if we grudge an old lady a seat on the bus; we make a difference. An that difference, no matter how small, is still a difference.

 

The question I ask myself now is: Will I make a big difference or a small one? Will it be a conscious decision, or will it be purely out of instinct, necessity, and forcedness? Will I notice those differences that I make? Does it matter if I let it slip away?

 

 

Privacy II

 

 

After the first shocker I got, thinking of how small the world has become; despite the vast number of humans within it, I found myself in yet another Situation.

It is a small one (it always is), but somehow it mattered to me. I reflected on my life and thought of the people who had done right by me in my time of need. Here was my chance to do the same.

Imagine losing something important to you. Whether it is of sentimental value, or an important document, or any other item for the matter. It belongs to you. What if you lost it? Do you know that feeling of panic when you realize you have lost something? I know it is dreadful, and as you grow in age, sometimes you just don’t show it because you already know what you have to do. Sometimes you just push past the feelings because you know there is not much sense to it. But those feelings are real; as are you. Wouldn’t it be absolutely wonderful if someone made the effort to return it to you?

 

So I did. However, there is not much about the person I could tell from what it is I had found. I wanted to return it; mostly because if it had been me who had lost that exact same thing, I would be devastated, a hidden pile of a nervous wreck. The trouble was not only regaining what I had lost, but the process involved in doing so was exceedingly troublesome. And cost a lot of money.

 

I searched for the owner. Not having much of IT-lligence (as mentioned before), I started with the basics. I found out this person attended a particular investment program in 2010 (the photos confirmed that it was indeed that person, plus the full name and state of origin), I tried asking the program coordinator if they could help me locate the person; however, being from 2010, even I knew it was highly unlikely that I would hear from them.

I tried to access the person’s student loans (underhanded, I know, but I couldn’t think of anything better). Dead end. I tried facebook. Dead end.

 

I tried the numbers I could find on the document. Dead end. I tried a variation of it – BAMMMM!

 

Out came the person’s full name, the number I entered, and also contact number. I saved the number to my phone; and checked the social apps (which now mostly allows you to put profile photos). Sure enough, the number was still valid, and there it was: verification that this was indeed the person I was seeking. I looked further for the “Last seen at…..” and it was yesterday. So it means the person should still be using this number.

 

I text the person, informing of my findings. The next day, it is safely returned.

I should feel good about it, but something feels remotely unsettling about the whole thing.

Not that sound.

 

 

 

I can feel that cloud coming again. I can taste the frosty air and the misty humidity setting. You don’t want to move yet you can't stay still. Everything feels heavy yet your head feels light. Everything is magnified, but at the same time it feels like at a distance.

I will not allow that cloud near me this time. It is not warranted. Both parties have not yet committed any acts warranting the coming of such a cloud. But I know it is here. Right in front of me. And I also know that inflicting self-pain has no power to push that cloud away; no matter how big the physical pain may be. But it helps. It helps to know that at least I am doing something instead of waiting..neverendlessly waiting.

Here is the test of nobility, of self-righteousness, of a pure heart. You do not fight with swords or daggers, you do not fight with flamethrowers or archers. All you have to do is choose whether to stand your ground, or turn heads and walk away.

 

If only that choice were as easy to make.

Random 2.

#1 Everyday, I pray that I have made at least one step forward. Living day to day does not guarantee it; and I hope that I will not look back and regret things that I did not do.

#2 The world is surprisingly small; you might think that person you ran into is a complete stranger, until you take a closer look.

#3 How and when can a person decide to turn their own life upside down? ...for without chaos there can be no change, no great emergence. There will only be stillness.

#4 How do you know what it is you were meant to pursue, to go after?

#5 I keep both of it open. It's like cutting oneself, except the wounds are not physical. Perhaps if the wounds are torn up constantly, then when the faultful pleasures come by, it will be easier to push aside.

#6 I feel a need to announce it, and subsequently apologise.

#7 Having cold feet and a rifling heart for 14 consecutive hours can take a great toll on one's health.

Recognition

Facial bone structure

Petit body frame

Affinity for dressing up

Fashion sense

Smile

Twinkle in the eye

Cute-sy attitude

Distance

Softness

The shine of that happy glowing face

Fingers

Big teeth
Approximate Height
Social circle
Graduation photo
Head tilted, shoulders crumbled hands pushed forward
Long, straightened hair

 

 

 

 

T_T

Unsettled waters and broken dams.

It is not your fault. You didn’t know. However, now that you do, the onus is upon you to ensure that nothing forthwith presents itself as an occurrence. Question here lies, do you or do you not have the capacity to decline any future advances? Now that you have the knowledge of how things stand, now that you have seen first-hand the atrocity of the circumstances, will you proceed with your fallacies?

 

To feel as such as you do is perfectly acceptable; however, you must understand that it is not the prior conduct that matters here; it is the future ones. Do you have the courtesy, or shall I say, the nobility of doing the right thing? Yes, there is a certain convenience of maintaining things as they are; but bear in mind that this is no longer a matter concerning only two carcasses – it is of (at least) a few generations of various ages, health conditions, and temperaments.

 

Whatever joys you derived prior to this revelation, take it as a pleasure that has been had. Treasure the experience and move on. Hard as it may be, it is the right thing to do. Bless their souls and wish them the best; for they have truly no sins against you. Do not commit any against them.

 

Recognize the chill that rushed through your spine and rendered your limbs useless for a few moments. Remember the frozen feeling of your fingertips as it rapidly tried to concur what evidence you have stumbled upon. Understand that it is nothing compared to the pain and agony that you will unleash should you not proceed on the right path. Do not be that person. Of all the mistakes to be made, this is not one you should. It is not only you this time.

 

Of all things, experience has given you the displeasure of feeling first-hand what betrayal feels like. You know what it is like to know that two people you knew, trusted, and cared for went behind your back and stabbed your heart with an icy dagger. You know exactly how that feels. You know exactly how much more it hurts when he went for that other person who was supposed to be your “friend”. Years later, how can you even consider giving someone else that pain? You still remember how painful it was – not merely petty emotional pain, it was real, tangible, you could even see it.

 

Your heart and your head are not two opposing forces; they are two parts of you that is God given for a reason. Use them both. Be wise. Be thoughtful. Be merciful. Even if it means that it might be closing the door to something great. You are better than that. Be better than that. No matter how many times you go back to those pages, they will always display one despairing truth; a truth that you already knew beforehand. Accept it. Thank the Lord for the awakening, then do the right thing. Appreciate the brief butterflies sent your way, and be thankful for that. As small a gift, as brief and unpromising, it was still a gift. Whatever reason it was sent to you, be thankful for it. Perhaps it is one of those “hidden blessings” you’ve heard of.

 

I know you will still look back on what has happened, and ask yourself “why even bother?” Go ahead..ponder upon it. Dwell on it, if you wish. But do not let it blind you from the other blessings showered upon you. This is merely a sprinkling. You have great things in store for you. Great things to plan. Great adventures to have. Great conquests to master. Focus on those. Move forward.

Privacy.

We all want some form of it. Whether it is the privacy to let out our feelings without being judged, or the privacy to perform certain bodily functions, or other trivial matters. We all have secrets. We all feel entitled to keep some portion of our lives to ourselves; and when that need for secrecy is invaded, we call on hell and fury claiming that some sort of right has been disregarded.

 

The funny thing about privacy is that it is a man-made concept. An invention, of sorts. We created it, molded it, and somehow convinced each other that we are all entitled to it; and that if anyone were to invade it that it be deemed a crime that is worthy of punishment. Question is, for what is this privacy needed? Safety measures, of course..you wouldn’t want any Tom, Dick or Harry knowing your exact address and your credit card numbers. That would be highly troublesome if they did, now wouldn’t it? We guard our “secrets” with imaginary guns and spears..but what exact secrets are we guarding?

 

What with social media and the internet rising in ten-folds by the day, there is an amazing amount of intel you could gather on any given random person if you wished; and I’m not talking some sort of super-sleuth skills of any kinds. I’m merely stating a capacity to “Google” things. Simple enough: all you need is some sort of web-enabled device and an internet connection, a decent level of intelligence, and the ability to go operate the open search engine. Voila! Instant get-to-know-you at your finger tips.

 

In fact, some of the devices we have deceivingly “safe”ly tucked away in our pockets give away an enormous amount of information about us. Apparently some apps will let you know if another user of the said app is nearby; and that you had the option of saying “Hello” without having to go through the possible physical torture of physically going up to the person and saying “Hello”.

 

Our photos, no matter how little we think we give away in them, tell an awful lot about us. You could tell where the person is, for instance, then follow up a search of people who have frequented the same place. Next thing you know, you have in your possession a list of potential strangers who have gone to a said restaurant within a specified period of time. Freaky isn’t it?

 

Now, who do we blame should our “secrets” be uncovered? Should we blame anyone at all? If, say, a married man was having an affair and his wife were to find out because of some tagged photos that somehow found their way into her newsfeed, should HE deserve any right to be angry about it? Well, assuming that it really did just “end” up on the wife’s newsfeed; but what if she had deliberately gone on some sort of internet-crusade to find evidence of any affair, and succeeded in finding the said evidence..does she deserve blame for invading his “privacy”?

 

One thing for sure, the world is a shocking place. If you set your mind onto something, you’ll be amazed at what you can find without even leaving the warmth of your bed. Without even having any sort of extraordinary IT-lligence. Without having super computers. Without having high speed internet. Now just imagine what those people who do have the abovementioned privileges are capable of finding out about us.

 

All of it makes me feel betrayed, exposed, idiotic, and foolish somehow. And perhaps just a little bit plain stupid.

Of cardboard magic

So I was returning from lunch and various errand runs, walking up the path to the elevator, when I see this group of kids. Their faces lit up when they saw me. I had never seen them before, and given the shady area where I live, became instantly suspicious.

One little girl, the biggest of them, said to me "Would you mind helping us out, we need to move this box to the elevator; but it's so hard... we'll help you hold your stuff for you if you'll help us"

I then only noticed they were guarding an oddly beaten down large cardboard box. I wondered what on earth would a group of children have in this box that would be of much importance that their parents couldn't help them bring it up. But then again, these kids didn't seem to be from the same family; just probably friends because they all lived there.

I didn't dare hand them my bags, afraid they would dash off with it..instead, I took a step nearer to the box and peered in.



Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!



Another kid pops out of the large box; surprising me, of course. The other kids started bursting out in laughter.


touché kids, touché.....

Random

 

 

#1 Riding in a taxi with the besties headed towards a very dark ominous looking apartment complex. It turned out to be a night bazaar sort of thing where we continued our journey in a shopping cart (yes, we were in the shopping cart) looking for yet another friend so that we could eat cake and ice cream together.

 

#2 A pet turtle that was quite cute..but grew up to turn into two small green frogs that had an affiliation for hanging onto my toes whilst I read books. I had to learn not to feel icky towards frogs…

 

#3 Passing by a highway to see someone I’ve not seen in months; not being able to holler hello or text that I saw them..subsequently spending the next 24 hours thinking of the person, yet dreaming of weird escapades and exotic pets.

 

#4 Getting a bubble tea menu and feeling an obscurely strong need to carefully keep it. As though it was the key to something important in the near future.

 

#5 Passing by the pet food aisle and looking over for small packs of dried car food and loudly saying to myself “Just in case of any cats”. Unfortunately, they were only selling wet cat food. In an unexpected turn of events, an orange kitten suddenly bounds towards me and not only follows me in the elevator, but also fights its way into the apartment. Now I feel guilty for not having anything to feed it with. Perhaps tomorrow I should go to the pet shop and look for baby turtles and purchase-by-weight dry cat food..

 

#6 Getting into some stupid argument because my hormones are all messed up and then feeling I have to make it up to them by asking if they need me to buy laundry detergent for them.

 

#7 Having housemates that absolutely refused to wash the toilet. Then, came the ones that only washed the sink and toilet bowl. Then, came another who’s willing to scrub the floor; but only the floor. So I end up washing the walls because they look disturbingly unmatching…

 

 

 

A distorted tale of what never happened.

 

 

 

Remember the time you had a tooth ache?

We were eating and an anchovy got stuck between your molars. To make things worse, you were in the middle of chewing a chili seed, and the spiciness + tooth pain came in one shot. You winced and put your pal up to your cheek. I asked what was wrong and you said your tooth hurt. It took 10 minutes for you to dislodge the anchovy from between your teeth. Even after the anchovy was out, the pain didn’t stop. You placed your palm upon your cheek, and I instinctively mirrored your actions.

“Why are you holding your cheek?” you asked.

“because you’re teeth hurt” I replied.

“What does my teeth hurting have to do with your cheek?”

“I feel your pain”

 

*eyes roll*

To err is human; but you are no human.

Bringing a child into the world is an immense responsibility. How do you decide that you are capable of providing what the child needs? How do you decide that you are what a child needs? How do you decide that you are ready for the responsibility, and capable of fulfilling the divine duties of a parent?

 

You don't.

 

There is no test to being a parent. You don't sit for an exam to determine whether or not you are qualified to be a parent. There is not any number of books you can read to prepare you for what parenthood requires.

 

It is not the brand of diapers that you would choose.

It is not the formulae you can afford to buy.

It is not how many university degrees you have obtained.

It matters not if you are the top of your class.

It is not the types of cuisines you can prepare from scratch.

It is not how tidy you keep your household.

 

There is no test because no test can gauge whether or not a person is worthy of a child. There are people who could ace all the exams in the world yet as a parent they still fail.

 

Not because they didn't buy diapers.

Not because they forgot to feed the baby.

Not because they didn't do well in school.

Not because they didn't cook good enough meals.

Not because their house was always in a mess.

 

No, you don't fail as a parent if you fail to provide all that is technically the best to your child. You fail if you do not recognize what your child needs and provide for him blindly. According to what is "correct", or according to what society dictates should be given to a child. If you base your parenting skills merely on the technical aspects of life, than bravo. You have done well. Oh wait, you already know that. You always do well. Whenever you err it is merely because you are human. Humans make mistakes. That is, unless anyone else makes any mistakes. Then it is utterly unforgivably despicably unacceptable. You wouldn't have made such a mistake.

 

A child needs a family. Not two perfect parents. Not two people who have overcome all their flaws and have come together to make magic happen and create a miracle. No. A child needs not only food in his mouth and clothes on his back. Believe it or not, these are the easier things to fulfill.

 

A child needs a home. Where he belongs. Where he feels safe. Where he looks forward to returning. Where he is accepted even when the world has turned on him.

 

Acceptance is easier said than understood. You don't tell your child you want them in your life. You make them feel it. And they can't feel what does not exist. Saying "I love you" matters not if the next second you are pointing out yet another one of his mistakes.

 

Being a parent means letting go of a huge part of yourself. Your life is no longer solely about you. No longer about fulfilling your happiness and dreams. It is now about nurturing your children so they can fulfill theirs. Their dreams. Not continue your unfulfilled destinies. If you cannot let go, if you cannot learn to have a different type of joy, and grace your life with the happiness of the child you bear, then sooner or later you become bitter. You resent that you let go of your dreams for a child that didn't live up to your expectations. You resent the little pit patter of feet that live under your roof yet cannot even get that A+ you always managed to get. You resent that the child laughs while playing games while you slave away at the office working extra hours to make ends meet.