Unsettled waters and broken dams.

It is not your fault. You didn’t know. However, now that you do, the onus is upon you to ensure that nothing forthwith presents itself as an occurrence. Question here lies, do you or do you not have the capacity to decline any future advances? Now that you have the knowledge of how things stand, now that you have seen first-hand the atrocity of the circumstances, will you proceed with your fallacies?

 

To feel as such as you do is perfectly acceptable; however, you must understand that it is not the prior conduct that matters here; it is the future ones. Do you have the courtesy, or shall I say, the nobility of doing the right thing? Yes, there is a certain convenience of maintaining things as they are; but bear in mind that this is no longer a matter concerning only two carcasses – it is of (at least) a few generations of various ages, health conditions, and temperaments.

 

Whatever joys you derived prior to this revelation, take it as a pleasure that has been had. Treasure the experience and move on. Hard as it may be, it is the right thing to do. Bless their souls and wish them the best; for they have truly no sins against you. Do not commit any against them.

 

Recognize the chill that rushed through your spine and rendered your limbs useless for a few moments. Remember the frozen feeling of your fingertips as it rapidly tried to concur what evidence you have stumbled upon. Understand that it is nothing compared to the pain and agony that you will unleash should you not proceed on the right path. Do not be that person. Of all the mistakes to be made, this is not one you should. It is not only you this time.

 

Of all things, experience has given you the displeasure of feeling first-hand what betrayal feels like. You know what it is like to know that two people you knew, trusted, and cared for went behind your back and stabbed your heart with an icy dagger. You know exactly how that feels. You know exactly how much more it hurts when he went for that other person who was supposed to be your “friend”. Years later, how can you even consider giving someone else that pain? You still remember how painful it was – not merely petty emotional pain, it was real, tangible, you could even see it.

 

Your heart and your head are not two opposing forces; they are two parts of you that is God given for a reason. Use them both. Be wise. Be thoughtful. Be merciful. Even if it means that it might be closing the door to something great. You are better than that. Be better than that. No matter how many times you go back to those pages, they will always display one despairing truth; a truth that you already knew beforehand. Accept it. Thank the Lord for the awakening, then do the right thing. Appreciate the brief butterflies sent your way, and be thankful for that. As small a gift, as brief and unpromising, it was still a gift. Whatever reason it was sent to you, be thankful for it. Perhaps it is one of those “hidden blessings” you’ve heard of.

 

I know you will still look back on what has happened, and ask yourself “why even bother?” Go ahead..ponder upon it. Dwell on it, if you wish. But do not let it blind you from the other blessings showered upon you. This is merely a sprinkling. You have great things in store for you. Great things to plan. Great adventures to have. Great conquests to master. Focus on those. Move forward.

Privacy.

We all want some form of it. Whether it is the privacy to let out our feelings without being judged, or the privacy to perform certain bodily functions, or other trivial matters. We all have secrets. We all feel entitled to keep some portion of our lives to ourselves; and when that need for secrecy is invaded, we call on hell and fury claiming that some sort of right has been disregarded.

 

The funny thing about privacy is that it is a man-made concept. An invention, of sorts. We created it, molded it, and somehow convinced each other that we are all entitled to it; and that if anyone were to invade it that it be deemed a crime that is worthy of punishment. Question is, for what is this privacy needed? Safety measures, of course..you wouldn’t want any Tom, Dick or Harry knowing your exact address and your credit card numbers. That would be highly troublesome if they did, now wouldn’t it? We guard our “secrets” with imaginary guns and spears..but what exact secrets are we guarding?

 

What with social media and the internet rising in ten-folds by the day, there is an amazing amount of intel you could gather on any given random person if you wished; and I’m not talking some sort of super-sleuth skills of any kinds. I’m merely stating a capacity to “Google” things. Simple enough: all you need is some sort of web-enabled device and an internet connection, a decent level of intelligence, and the ability to go operate the open search engine. Voila! Instant get-to-know-you at your finger tips.

 

In fact, some of the devices we have deceivingly “safe”ly tucked away in our pockets give away an enormous amount of information about us. Apparently some apps will let you know if another user of the said app is nearby; and that you had the option of saying “Hello” without having to go through the possible physical torture of physically going up to the person and saying “Hello”.

 

Our photos, no matter how little we think we give away in them, tell an awful lot about us. You could tell where the person is, for instance, then follow up a search of people who have frequented the same place. Next thing you know, you have in your possession a list of potential strangers who have gone to a said restaurant within a specified period of time. Freaky isn’t it?

 

Now, who do we blame should our “secrets” be uncovered? Should we blame anyone at all? If, say, a married man was having an affair and his wife were to find out because of some tagged photos that somehow found their way into her newsfeed, should HE deserve any right to be angry about it? Well, assuming that it really did just “end” up on the wife’s newsfeed; but what if she had deliberately gone on some sort of internet-crusade to find evidence of any affair, and succeeded in finding the said evidence..does she deserve blame for invading his “privacy”?

 

One thing for sure, the world is a shocking place. If you set your mind onto something, you’ll be amazed at what you can find without even leaving the warmth of your bed. Without even having any sort of extraordinary IT-lligence. Without having super computers. Without having high speed internet. Now just imagine what those people who do have the abovementioned privileges are capable of finding out about us.

 

All of it makes me feel betrayed, exposed, idiotic, and foolish somehow. And perhaps just a little bit plain stupid.

Of cardboard magic

So I was returning from lunch and various errand runs, walking up the path to the elevator, when I see this group of kids. Their faces lit up when they saw me. I had never seen them before, and given the shady area where I live, became instantly suspicious.

One little girl, the biggest of them, said to me "Would you mind helping us out, we need to move this box to the elevator; but it's so hard... we'll help you hold your stuff for you if you'll help us"

I then only noticed they were guarding an oddly beaten down large cardboard box. I wondered what on earth would a group of children have in this box that would be of much importance that their parents couldn't help them bring it up. But then again, these kids didn't seem to be from the same family; just probably friends because they all lived there.

I didn't dare hand them my bags, afraid they would dash off with it..instead, I took a step nearer to the box and peered in.



Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!



Another kid pops out of the large box; surprising me, of course. The other kids started bursting out in laughter.


touché kids, touché.....

Random

 

 

#1 Riding in a taxi with the besties headed towards a very dark ominous looking apartment complex. It turned out to be a night bazaar sort of thing where we continued our journey in a shopping cart (yes, we were in the shopping cart) looking for yet another friend so that we could eat cake and ice cream together.

 

#2 A pet turtle that was quite cute..but grew up to turn into two small green frogs that had an affiliation for hanging onto my toes whilst I read books. I had to learn not to feel icky towards frogs…

 

#3 Passing by a highway to see someone I’ve not seen in months; not being able to holler hello or text that I saw them..subsequently spending the next 24 hours thinking of the person, yet dreaming of weird escapades and exotic pets.

 

#4 Getting a bubble tea menu and feeling an obscurely strong need to carefully keep it. As though it was the key to something important in the near future.

 

#5 Passing by the pet food aisle and looking over for small packs of dried car food and loudly saying to myself “Just in case of any cats”. Unfortunately, they were only selling wet cat food. In an unexpected turn of events, an orange kitten suddenly bounds towards me and not only follows me in the elevator, but also fights its way into the apartment. Now I feel guilty for not having anything to feed it with. Perhaps tomorrow I should go to the pet shop and look for baby turtles and purchase-by-weight dry cat food..

 

#6 Getting into some stupid argument because my hormones are all messed up and then feeling I have to make it up to them by asking if they need me to buy laundry detergent for them.

 

#7 Having housemates that absolutely refused to wash the toilet. Then, came the ones that only washed the sink and toilet bowl. Then, came another who’s willing to scrub the floor; but only the floor. So I end up washing the walls because they look disturbingly unmatching…

 

 

 

A distorted tale of what never happened.

 

 

 

Remember the time you had a tooth ache?

We were eating and an anchovy got stuck between your molars. To make things worse, you were in the middle of chewing a chili seed, and the spiciness + tooth pain came in one shot. You winced and put your pal up to your cheek. I asked what was wrong and you said your tooth hurt. It took 10 minutes for you to dislodge the anchovy from between your teeth. Even after the anchovy was out, the pain didn’t stop. You placed your palm upon your cheek, and I instinctively mirrored your actions.

“Why are you holding your cheek?” you asked.

“because you’re teeth hurt” I replied.

“What does my teeth hurting have to do with your cheek?”

“I feel your pain”

 

*eyes roll*

To err is human; but you are no human.

Bringing a child into the world is an immense responsibility. How do you decide that you are capable of providing what the child needs? How do you decide that you are what a child needs? How do you decide that you are ready for the responsibility, and capable of fulfilling the divine duties of a parent?

 

You don't.

 

There is no test to being a parent. You don't sit for an exam to determine whether or not you are qualified to be a parent. There is not any number of books you can read to prepare you for what parenthood requires.

 

It is not the brand of diapers that you would choose.

It is not the formulae you can afford to buy.

It is not how many university degrees you have obtained.

It matters not if you are the top of your class.

It is not the types of cuisines you can prepare from scratch.

It is not how tidy you keep your household.

 

There is no test because no test can gauge whether or not a person is worthy of a child. There are people who could ace all the exams in the world yet as a parent they still fail.

 

Not because they didn't buy diapers.

Not because they forgot to feed the baby.

Not because they didn't do well in school.

Not because they didn't cook good enough meals.

Not because their house was always in a mess.

 

No, you don't fail as a parent if you fail to provide all that is technically the best to your child. You fail if you do not recognize what your child needs and provide for him blindly. According to what is "correct", or according to what society dictates should be given to a child. If you base your parenting skills merely on the technical aspects of life, than bravo. You have done well. Oh wait, you already know that. You always do well. Whenever you err it is merely because you are human. Humans make mistakes. That is, unless anyone else makes any mistakes. Then it is utterly unforgivably despicably unacceptable. You wouldn't have made such a mistake.

 

A child needs a family. Not two perfect parents. Not two people who have overcome all their flaws and have come together to make magic happen and create a miracle. No. A child needs not only food in his mouth and clothes on his back. Believe it or not, these are the easier things to fulfill.

 

A child needs a home. Where he belongs. Where he feels safe. Where he looks forward to returning. Where he is accepted even when the world has turned on him.

 

Acceptance is easier said than understood. You don't tell your child you want them in your life. You make them feel it. And they can't feel what does not exist. Saying "I love you" matters not if the next second you are pointing out yet another one of his mistakes.

 

Being a parent means letting go of a huge part of yourself. Your life is no longer solely about you. No longer about fulfilling your happiness and dreams. It is now about nurturing your children so they can fulfill theirs. Their dreams. Not continue your unfulfilled destinies. If you cannot let go, if you cannot learn to have a different type of joy, and grace your life with the happiness of the child you bear, then sooner or later you become bitter. You resent that you let go of your dreams for a child that didn't live up to your expectations. You resent the little pit patter of feet that live under your roof yet cannot even get that A+ you always managed to get. You resent that the child laughs while playing games while you slave away at the office working extra hours to make ends meet.

 

Sometimes it’s not the actual content, it’s just the gesture that matters.

It probably meant nothing to you, but I am grateful you picked up my call. To hear the beeping, and to feel my heart thumping at my throat, not sure whether or not you'd pick up.. I can tell you I was almost on my knees when I heard your voice on the other end.

I didn't need you to rush over to my aid (which I know is far too much to expect), or to conjure some miracle spell to fix my woes. What I really needed was to just have you pick up that call, and speak to me for a few minutes. And you did that.

 

Thank you.